Hollywood sisters and actresses Hilary and Haylie Duff have entered a motion in family court to become twins. "I want to be two years older like my sister Haylie," said Hilary, "then I wouldn't be a minor and my boyfriends and I couldn't get in trouble cuz' we could be consenting adults so it wouldn't be statutory rape or anything and it would be so much fun to have a twin and I wouldn't have to be the little sister anymore and it would also be cool because the Olsen twins are worth like a bazillion dollars and we could be rich like them and have our own line of clothes and books and toys and all of the little girls would love us and ait would be fun too because we could re-make Lizzie McGuire and she could have a new twin sister named Dizzie because Lizzy and Dizzy sound so cool together and they could film it in like Paris or Rome or the Bahamas or some other cool place on location so I could work on my tan because I have the tanning booth at home, you know, but it isn't as good as the real thing and I like it when the guys see me in my bikini and if I was two years older then no one would be upset if I wore a thong to the beach even though I think ladies with thongs and sandy butts are kind of gross, like when you try to drink milk and then you cough and it comes out your nose too. Wouldn't it be so cool?"
When asked her opinion of the legal motion, older sister Haylie said, "yeah, whatever. It's what Hilary wants, it's always what Hilary wants. It might get me a little publicity and a few more acting jobs."
Spokesmen for Doublemint Gum were excited to hear the news. Richard Wrapper of marketing division said that "getting the Duff girls would be a real win for us. They're blond, they're hot....well, the older one is hot. The seventeen year old isn't old enough to be hot until she wins the suit, but then she'll be hot too. We have a history of having attractive blondes doing our "two mints in one" and "double your pleasure, double your fun" commercials and these are the right two to do it! I just hope we get them signed before that beer company does."