Snow White and the seven dwarfs are back in the news after fifteen years of living in comfort and relative obscurity in their own private Hollywood Hills complex. Despite lucrative profit sharing from their last re-mastered DVD release, the troublesome cartoon family could not manage to stay under the radar last week, typified by Doc's arrest for possession of illegal narcotic substances and other newsworthy revelations.
Grumpy, who is only happy watching the misfortune of others, was first to address the press corps. "Doctor, eh? Smarter than the rest of us, eh? I told him that pixie dust wasn't really pixie dust, if you know what I mean. Who's the smart one now, eh?"
Though Doc will apparently get a break from the California court system agreeing to appear on Celebrity Rehab, the rest of the dwarfs are struggling with their own special set of issues. Sneezy admits to losing his retirement funds by investing in the nasal medication, Zicam. Sleepy continues to self medicate on Ambien and wakes for about 15 minutes a day to grab a glass of milk and a cookie. Happy isn't, thanks in large part to his lack of prowess in real estate investing. Dopey reportedly spends all his time still trying to understand the literary nuances and deep internal messages from the book "See Spot Run". "And that Bashful fella", quips Grumpy, "Managed to convince Ms. White that his little shy and cute routine was enough to form a relationship around. That just shuts the door for the rest of us. Bastard".
Though wedding details have not been disclosed, there is speculation that the Bashful-White union will be made official before the end of the month. "And everyone assumes that she is pure as the driven snow. She's been driven all right, but she ain't pure, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink", says Grumpy.
Reporters gave up on the Q&A session with the bearded vessel of animosity, and opted instead for photos of Ms. White who was seen leaning against a wall to catch her balance and apparently her breath. Grumpy, losing the attention from the press corps, looked around the courtyard and asked, "Hey, where's Bashful?" A muffled voice could be heard coming from the direction of Ms. White's dress. "Under here".