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Wednesday, 23 March 2011

NEW YORK, NY - In a tearful, candid moment with Barbara Walters last evening, Lindsay Lohan revealed to her and to the world that she has come to regret losing her virginity so early in life.

"I believe my life would be much different now had I not given in to the first rich guy that came along." Lohan admits, reflecting on a disappointing career and tumultuous personal life. "I thought I loved him and wanted to please him in every way. Boy, that was f---ed up!"

Lohan says she lost her innocence at age 13 to the son of a music producer. "I had my motives, even at that age, but the guy still made me quake inside, so I thought it was the right thing to do." Lohan's desire to become a triple threat before age 21 has been well-documented for a long time, and it makes sense to those who know her that she would pick someone whose family could potentially help her reach that goal.

As of yet, Lohan has only achieved double-threat status, and since she is over 21 now, the original goal had to be extended or pared down. "I turned my attention to other things to become good at, such as shoplifting and driving while intoxicated. Now I can truthfully say I'm not only a threat to myself, but I'm also a threat to others who get in my way. If I can find something else to excel at, like building explosive devices, I might still have a chance at the triple!"

Lohan's self-destructive tendencies, she claims, are a result of how she has lived her life since losing her virginity. "Had I not pressured that 17 year-old boy into pressuring me into having sex with him, I might have stayed a virgin a lot longer, maybe a couple more weeks, and it would've been with another guy who was better for me and, more importantly, for my career." Lohan said to Ms. Walters with tears rolling down her freckled face. "The whole awful experience could have been a lot better with somebody else on top of me that first time."

Lohan wants to make it clear that she doesn't hate sex in the least, however. "I have had tons and tons of dirty, nasty sex since that night with dozens of guys of all sizes, shapes, ages, and ethnicities. Most of it has been extremely satisfying, but because of all the trouble I have gotten into these past few years, I would give it all up just to have the chance to take back that first one. That's where I think I made my biggest mistake."

Walters asks Lohan during the interview the same question that is asked in every Walters' interview, what kind of tree she would be if she could be a tree. Lohan answers as if she has given the question some serious thought beforehand, as if she anticipated this particular question. "That's a toughie, literally. I suppose I would be an ironwood tree. Ironwoods grow in the desert and have the hardest wood of any tree in the world, hence the name. Not even a woodpecker can penetrate this tree with his beak." Lohan smiles, knowing she has reasons for her choice. "If I could be an ironwood, I could never be penetrated by anyone's rockhard pecker...that only leads to big trouble!"

Somewhere out there, the guy who Lohan claims is responsible for her ill fortunes is probably wondering why he is getting a bad rap. "Oh, it's really not his fault," Lohan confesses. "He was just the rich schmuck who I chose to screw my life up with. I guess it could've been worse...I could've gotten pregnant and then my career would've been over before it really began."

We can all count that as a blessing, and at this point, she will take whatever she can get when it comes to that sort of thing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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