Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 21 March 2011

image for Spielberg & Lucas Team Up for Star Wars VII
In a galaxy far, far away, though in 3D it will appear much, much closer.

Putting more than five years of rumors and speculation to rest, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg announced yesterday that production of the seventh part of the Star Wars series had already begun filming at a secret location in the Swiss Alps. Tentatively titled "The Return of the Emperor", Star Wars VII is expected to be the finest spectacle in the series.

Counting on the Hollywood truism that all happy endings to logically concluded stories can be usurped with a burst of immortality and funding for another sequel, Lucas begins the story by claiming that the Imperial Emperor never actually dies in Episode VI. Though seen screaming and surrounded in his own bluish electrical discharge after being tossed down an endless hole inside the Death Star, Lucas claims the emperor simply arrested his own fall, jumped into an escape pod and busted a move towards Tatooine with a pilot who looks like Young MC.

There, the evil plot will build as the emperor searches out new enemies of the rebel scum including Jibber-Jabber the Hut, son of Jabba with an annoying voice and green hair, Booba Fett, lesbian daughter of Boba with a flair for shooting at her male enemy's jewels, and Colonel Grievous son of the General whose epaulet and sash wearing character was modeled after Colonel Gadaffi.

Filming reportedly began in the Alps as Spielberg rounded up series regulars for the opening peaceful scenes next to snow melt waterfalls and pristine mountain tops. Harrison Ford will reprise his role but shows his age as the crusty curmudgeon husband to a plump princess Leia (Carrie Fischer). Their lanky and odd looking son, Piano Solo will be played by Adrian Brody, while a completely grey Chewbacca with a cane introduces his own offspring played by the 1980's television character, Alf. (Alf will replace Yoda in the next series as the comedy relief midget) Mark Hamill will also join the cast as Luke Skywalker, and though still religiously committed to the Force, immaculately conceived a son borne from the seed of a Durian fruit forgotten in the root cellar. Air Biscuit Skywalker, now under his own father's Jedi training will be affectionately called "Dad's little stinker".

Little information is available about the story line, though one insider tells of Ford's memory lapses during fight scenes. While Piano Solo is caught alone in the mountains by Booba Fett, Ford was seen entering the camera frame, tossing a bull whip and a revolver to Brody and yelling, "No soliloquy, just shoot her!". To which Spielberg could be heard yelling outside of frame, "Harrison, WRONG MOVIE".

Trouble with the flow of the dialog was witnessed during the first weeks of shooting, where after several attempts at witty character repartee fell flat with the crew and extras, Lucas was seen making notes in his script that said "And hilarity does not ensue".

Still, just about anything produced by Lucas and Spielberg is bound to be a hit with audiences, many of them over 50 and dedicated fans since the 1970's. To be sure to attract newer audiences, Spielberg is counting on the influx of younger audiences with added characters from Rap Artist Gangsters and Nickelodeon TV fame. That, and it will likely be produced with the latest in film technology.

The new Star Wars Episide VII; The Return of the Emperor, in IMAX, 3D, THX, BFD is slated for general release in Summer 2015. Start camping out on theater streets now!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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