LOS ANGELES & PAULO BAY, CA - After allegations of drug abuse, binge drinking, and other major offences, the real Charlie Sheen has come out of hiding, denouncing the impostor.
Where was he? According to sources, Sheen left the high-flying life of LA and settled down in Paulo Bay, a small community 200km from Hollywood in late 2006.
The residents had accepted Sheen into thier lives and had sworn each other to secrecy.
"His doppleganger was the druggie," said Paula Walkley, "when he came here, he was a nice man - clean, sober. He wanted to get away from the pretentiousness of Hollywood, and he came here. We let him."
The impostor, real name Terry Star, had his face augumented to match Sheen's - without Sheen's permission.
According to data stored on Verizon Wireless's servers hacked by this reporter, Sheen had over 3000 calls, videocalls, and SMSes with Star over two years. Sheen said he was shocked that his 'friend' could drag him down.
"I kept watching the news," he said. "This guy was pretending to be me! I'm ashamed that this man - that I trusted - could betray that trust. I'm not a druggie, or a wife-beater or whatever he's said. I love Lorre [creator of Two and a Half Men]. I believe in 9/11. This dumbass prick is just a fool."
However, this revelation is not new. Suspicion was aroused when fake-Sheen was accused of raping a woman in June. The DNA samples from the sperm somehow did not match those of real-Sheen's DNA data, and also Lorre had witnessed that fake-Sheen had 'lost all of his acting talent' when talking about the filming of their cancelled season.
Sheen has successfully procecuted Star, claiming nearly $300mn in damages - or face nearly 80 years in prison for theft, fraud, rape, possesion of illegal substances and 2,568 other infractions.
In other entertainment news - nearly 400 people were killed in gang violence between Twillight fangirls.