(AP) The Pacific Princess cruise liner, long thought missing, sailed out of the Bermuda Triangle and docked in Miami today. The crew and passengers seemed relieved that their almost twenty year voyage was finally over. "Land! Land! Thank you God! I'll never go to sea again," said Captain Merrill Stubing with obvious joy and relief.
Other crew members showed equal pleasure at the end of the longest voyage in cruise ship history. "I only date women in their twenties," said Dr. Adam Bricker. "I've been waiting for all of the little brats I delivered to grow up and mature so that I could chase after them. Do you know how bad all of our original passengers look in their bikinis these days? Where can I go in this town to meet women who don't sag?"
At last sighting, the Doctor was happily taking a taxi to the nearest Hooters.
Cruise Director Julie McCoy was also happy that the cruise had ended. "I got sick of these people! Do you know how many games of shuffleboard and volleyball I organized? Do you know how many times I wanted to take the skeet shooting rifles and turn them on the passengers? If I have to listen to Charo do one more cuchi cuchi, I'm finding me one of those guns. Gopher hid them away from me five years ago, or I would have used them!"
Burl "Gopher" Smith was also happy to be back on land. His reasons, however, were different. "I've always wanted to run for the U.S. House of Representatives," said Smith.
Vicki Stubing was happy for reasons of her own. "I'm not going to be the Captain's little girl any more! I don't have to have a room in his cabin and have a curfew and check in with him every night. Now I can party and have boyfriends and get drunk and stay out as long as I want to. I can bring men to my room and there is not a thing he can do about it!"
Ship's bartender was also happy for different reasons. He pointed out that "I've had every dollar and coin from everyone on that ship for over twelve years because of their tips. I've also got lots of credit card receipts and IOU's from other tips. I am a rich man. I'm gonna get me some funky new clothes and open up a place of my own."
When told that no one was funky these days, but big afros like his were starting to come back into style, Washington said "that cool, I'm sure I'll get hip to their game pretty quick."
When asked if he had seen any other people in the last eighteen years, Captain Stubing said that "there was one island we kept stopping at every year. It only had seven people on it. They had this one really smart guy who could fix whatever was wrong with the ship. Every time we tried to rescue them, however, this guy in a red shirt and white pants named Gilligan would mess things up and they would miss the boat."
All of the crew members immediately applied to the cruise office for eighteen years back wages and vowed to never see each other again.