Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Women, London

Monday, 19 September 2005

London - "Beautiful women don't go to jail" says supermodel Kate Moss, who was captured on videotape snorting cocaine from an enormous stash she kept in her purse. "I simply apologized to Hennes & Mauritz, and that's good enough-- for me!"

Moss, who signed an agreement with H&M to remain "healthy, wholesome and sound," feels "a little blow is all important to critical thinking. In fact, I think I'll have another blow right now," said the model.

The Daily Mirror may have indeed "set Moss up" to be videotaped, acknowledged Editor "Pop" Arazzi. "Could it have anything to do with her successful lawsuit against the Mirror for our earlier story that she used so much blow she put herself in a coma? Why of course not!!! That time we didn't have proof. This time all we're missing is blood samples."

The Storm modeling agency in London, where something or someone is always blowing, represents Moss, 31, said that "staying heroin thin requires our models use, like, well, like heroin, cocaine, or something besides food."

The Daily Mirror printed screengrabs which appear to show the model doing five lines of toot in 40 minutes after preparing the drug with a VISA card and snorting the drug through a five-pound note. "For chopping the 'product,' a VISA card is 'priceless" according to Moss. But it's hard to get a credit card up your nose quite like a rolled note.

Cocaine, along with Italian sports cars, large boats, and airplane ownership are all "God's way of telling you you have too much money," said one Narcotics Anonymous spokesman. "Don't think I wouldn't like a date with her anyway. Maybe that kid who hacked Hilton's cellphone could hack hers for me."

The Mirror reported that Moss had taken a large amount of cocaine out of her handbag. In the non-celebrity justice world, possession of more than an ounce of blow would be considered "possession with intent to distribute." "But who knows, said London Yard spokesman Wilford Bremtsone. If I could afford that much blow, well, I definitely wouldn't be a bobby anymore, that's for bloody sure.

Moss's 'connection', Pete Doherty whose alleged drug problems and brushes with the law have made headlines for months, helped by rolling the note, according to witnesses.

In the usual, "Get mad, deny everything, and then finally admit it's all true" pattern of alcoholics and drug abusers (and politicians) everywhere,
Moss reportedly shouted obscenities when asked for comment outside a restaurant in New York, and then charged into the ladies restroom to powder her nose...again.

Moss's lawyer Jerry Tirade said then that the charges against Moss were untrue. "Moss doesn't grow fat on a rolling, err, columbian stone, he is quoted as saying, in some sort of butchered Dylan-esque quote. " But I'm a lawyer. We're paid to lie. And getting celebritiy clients the justice they deserve is how I pay for MY cocaine habit!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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