Pop Queen Britney Spears rushed her baby to the local hospital today when she discovered an "icky smell" coming from the child's diaper. Emergency room doctors quickly rushed the baby boy into pediatric I.C.U. before discovering that the odor was merely a poopy diaper.
Hospital Education Coordinator Janice Yarnball, R.N., was sent to the emergency room waiting area and took the young parents to her office. There, she begin instructions on how to change diapers, give the baby a bath, use diaper rash medicine, mix baby formula, fill a baby bottle, proper temperatures for a baby bottle, use of baby powder and baby lotion, and all of the other basics.
Nurse Yarnball was upset by the commotion. "When the doctors removed the diaper, Britney fainted. When we explained to her that it was just a bowel movement and that these happened several times a day, and she would have to change them, she said "eeewww." We told her about the options of breast and bottle feeding, and she quickly chose the formula."
"She had wondered why her newborn had not eaten the happy meal she had purchased for him the night before, but thought it was maybe because he didn't like ketchup. Bottles and feedings were a new concept to her. She's blonde for a reason!"
"Spears admitted to using baby shampoo, baby powder, baby oil, baby lotion, and Baby Magic in the past, but did not realize that they were for babys. We explained to her the little one cannot join her in the hot tub and that he needs constant attention and cleaning. We also told her that a newborn is too young for pull-ups and should not be considered able to wipe himself."
"Britney was fascinated by the velcro on the Huggies and kept pulling it on and off. She wanted to know if they made "thongs with this stuff" (her words) and that if I could help her find them."
"When I showed her the snaps on the bottom of the onesies, Britney was fascinated and wondered why babies needed easy access too."
"I'm sorry, but trying to teach her anything was the worst twelve hours of my life. Some people should just not be allowed to breed!"
Upon leaving the hospital with a healthy, dry baby, Spears immediately begin calling the former cast of Seinfeld. "None of them are working right now. Considering some of the TV shows and commercials they have made the past few years, I know that they will do anything for a job. I've hired Jason Alexander (not the one I married for a day) to change and feed my baby until he is able to do this on his own."
While awaiting Alexander's arrival, Spears marched outside of her front door and offered and exclusive interview and pictures to any member of the papparazzi who would come in and change diapers.