Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Hollywood, Murder

Friday, 16 September 2005

image for Zellweger Calls It Quits, Saying 'He Had It Comin''
Ren-Ken in the Ditch: I Want My Truck Back, I Want My Trailor Back...

HOLLYWOOD-Tinseltown Attorney General Overlee Shameless has gained grand jury support for indictment of Hollywood sensation Rene "Roxie Hart" Zellweger for conspiracy, attempted murder, and most shocking of all, being a serial role killer.

Prosecutors are already crafting their case around the premise that Zellweger's Oscar-winning role as blond vamp Roxie Hart is, in fact, an autobiographical account of a tragic and dangerous portion of a life frought with fraudulent lovers, second-rate scripts and fashion understatements.

Hoping to play key scenes from the hit movie Chicago to paint a picture of a conniving, crafty bimbo who uses her looks to mask a sinister mind, witnesses are being rounded up. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Richard Gere have been subpoenaed, though it is not clear on which side of the courtroom they would be expected to sit. Queen Latifa has supposedly worked out a deal to testify for whichever side will ensure she gets more money and positive publicity out of the litigation.

Hapless hubby Kenny Chesney was taken aback by the news. "I dang near spit out a whole mouthful o' Skoal when they give me the news," the country crooner commented to Spoof Entertainment Columnist May Jalaf in a just concluded telephone interview. The boot-scootin' baladeer said he holds nothing against his soon-to-be X because she doesn't have naturally blond hair, isn't as buxom as her padded bra suggested, can't hold her liquor, and won't do all those ‘nasty' things she promised while they were dating.

In her own defense, the sometimes blond, sometimes brunett who has earned the nicknames "Rene the Renegger" and "Ruthless Rene" by various stalking poparazzi, claims "He done me wrong." She also has been overheard in public on various occasions saying that Chesney "had it comin'," and she has assured close friends that they "woulda done the same if you were in my shoes." Chicago writers, directors and distributors are joining forces to file additional charges against the famously fickle female for breach of contract, plagiarism and misuse of a literary work of art resulting in drastic decreases in royalty returns.

Short as it is apparently destined to be, it was the first marriage for both the Hollywood hotties, but the truth is yet to be told which or whether either will come out smelling like a rose, as Roxie did, or like a fresh cow paddy, as ole Kenny is likely to do.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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