Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 11 March 2011

image for Kelly Clarkson Says That American Idol's Lauren "Peaches" Alaina Needs To Stop Dressing Like A Backwoods Hillbilly
Carrie Underwood has been one of the most successful winners on American Idol. (Photo courtesy of Simon Cowell).

HOLLYWOOD - The very first winner of American Idol, Kelly Clarkson has told AI host Ryan Seacrest that he needs to tell his fellow Georgia peach that she needs to stop dressing like a backwoods hillbilly.

Clarkson said that she came very close to getting physically ill when she saw what Lauren was wearing on Thursday's elimination show.

She said that blue cowboy boots might look half way decent on 9-year-old Piper Palin but that on Lauren they look like maybe her deck of cards is missing about eight or so cards.

The first singer to win on American Idol also remarked to Seacrest that she did not appreciate it when Miss Alaina threw Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson's compliment back in his face.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: During last week's show Jackson told 16-year-old Lauren that he thought she sounded like a cross between Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. And instead of being gracious and thanking him for that fantastic compliment Alaina made a face and said that she wants to be Lauren. Okay, but who the hell is Lauren?]

Clarkson went on and told Seacrest to be sure and tell her to look in a full length mirror because if the poor thing keeps on dressing like Ely Mae Clampett then the only votes she is going to get are going to be votes from the inmates and convicts at The Ozark Mountains State Prison, The Louisiana Bayou's State Prison, and The Okefenokee Swamp State Prison.

Carrie Underwood also called up Ryan and told him to please tell Lauren to talk to Pia Toscano and Karen Rodriguez about getting some fashion tips because both girls dress like the classy young ladies that they are.

USA Sunup reported that Seacrest told them that when he mentioned to Lauren Alaina what both Kelly and Carrie had said that she made a face and replied, "Dar ain't nobody gonna be tellin dis Georgia girl how ta dress and what not - and futhermore iffin' I wants ta wear underbritches made out of pigskin then it just be my bitness and my bitness alone."

In a related story. Ex-American Idol judges Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres have both stated that neither one has watched this years edition of American Idol. DeGeneres says it makes her sad to see Steven Tyler sitting in her chair. And DioGuardi said that she is still pissed of at the friggin producers for having fired her ass just because she asked to have her salary doubled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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