Just in - ambulance crews inform us here at Skoob News that some woman, claiming to be Jordan got entangled in a deckchair yesterday afternoon in Clacton, Essex, after being threatened by what appeared to be a rabid goldfish.
We sent intrepid reporter Martin Shuttlecock to cover the story - once we'd persuaded him to have a bath and a shave and stop fannying about on legendary satirical website TheSpoof.com
By the time Shuttlecock had boarded a train in his current hometown of Portsmouth, he called the office to relate that the 'story' would probably be 'over and done with' by the time he arrived on scene, but SEN anticipated such an event and sent a helicopter to Havant.
Whisked aloft in whirlybird glory, Shuttlecock arrived at the scene in time to find Jordan still struggling to free herself from a confusingly collapsed deckchair in Clacton.
"It wasn't the proper Jordan," Shuttlecock related. "Although she did look a bit unnatural. She explained that her name really was Jordan, and that her mum and dad had named her after some river in the Congo. Because they were urbane and sophisticated, like. Anyway, a bystander helped her out of the twisted up deckchair, whereupon she claimed to have taken fright upon the sudden appearance of a giant goldfish named "Giggsy" who rose from the depths and told her that she'd be punished for her sins. There was no trace of any giant goldfish named "Giggsy" when I got there - just a woman entangled in a deckchair, and a giant talking octopus named Dave."
Shuttlecock has since forwarded notice to quit to SEN - which is happen just as well, because he's a crap reporter anyway.
More as we get it.