Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 9 March 2011

image for Phil Collins Retires At Last
Collins 40 years ago

Phil Collins, the former Genesis drummer and solo singer has confirmed reports he is, at last, to retire from the music business.

Collins achieved huge success with Genesis before leaving to go solo in 1999, going on to sell more than 100million albums around the world to misguided and gullible consumers who were fooled by the marketing campaigns set up to promote the jocular balding dwarf.

Collins also starred in Buster, the movie about the Great Train Robbery gang.

Now, though, to everyone's relief, he is giving it all up.

"I am stopping so I can be a full time father to my two young sons on a daily basis," he lied on his website.

He claimed that his decision was not down to "dodgy reviews", "bad treatment in the press" or "because I don't feel loved".

Collins' announcement is in response to, what he calls, a series of "distorted" articles that had erroneously painted him as "a tormented weirdo", which he is.

"There's no need for the straitjacket!" joked the loony 60-year-old, one of whose hit albums was entitled No Jacket Required.

What a funny man! Music's loss, comedy's gain?

Probably not.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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