Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 3 March 2011

image for Cheryl Cole To Take 'Emma Thompson Lessons'
Cole will learn how to purse her lips, and to speak proper

Cheryl Cole, the new star of the US version of the X Factor, is to attempt to bury her strong Newcastle accent so that her new American audience can understand her, and will commence taking 'Emma Thompson lessons' immediately.

Cole's Geordie slur-through-clenched-teeth would almost certainly prove to be an obstacle to her succeeding on US television, and she has, therefore, decided to 'adapt it to something a little more refined'.

The former Girls Aloud singer has opted for the prim and proper sprach of well-known and loved British actress Thompson, who sounds 'just right' to US audiences.

Thompson, who has had a glittering career on the strength of the fact that she can talk proper, has starred in such well-loved films as The Remains Of The Day, Sense and Sensibility, Howard's End, Brideshead Revisited, Nanny McPhee and Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang.

Miss Cole's agents have banned me from providing witty examples of local Geordie dialect, but interested readers can view them here:

Witty examples of local Geordie dialect

Anyone who actually wants to learn how to talk like Cheryl Cole does at the moment, can do so here:

how to do a Geordie accent

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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