Written by Marcus Laputa
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Sunday, 11 September 2005

image for ‘I thought I looked cool', admits Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice's mother thought he looked like an idiot

Speaking in a tell all interview, Vanilla Ice (real name Robert Van Winkle), admitted that he thought he looked cool during the height of his fame around 1990. "Yeah, I know I've said that I only wore those clothes because the record company told me to, but the truth is I really did think I looked cool in them. I'd look at myself in a mirror and think to myself, ‘You know what Robert, you look cool. Word to your mother'."

Indeed Vanilla Ice now wishes he's listened to his mother, who advised him not to wear the clothes, "Yeah, my mother used to say to me, ‘Robert, those clothes make you look like an idiot', but I wasn't listening. I was too busy looking in the mirror thinking, ‘You are the man'. I'd even spend hours just checking out different magazines looking for pictures of myself"

Vanilla Ice, claims that the turning point came when the M.C. Hammer's career took a downturn, "Around 1990 I thought M.C. Hammer was where it was at. I thought he had the best style around in terms of clothes and music. I was really inspired by him. Then when everybody started laughing at him it was like somebody had pulled the rug out from underneath me. My whole value system collapsed. I didn't know what to think or believe any more."

After many years in the wilderness, Vanilla Ice now believes that he's where he wants to be, "Now I know I look cool. I mean look at me, I've got that whole nu-metal/ Fred Durst thing going on. Yeah, Fred Durst, he's cool. Nobody's going to be laughing at him."

To show the effectiveness of his new style, Vanilla Ice takes us to the local mall, so we can see how cool the skater kids think he is. When we asked some of the young skater kids hanging around in the mall what they thought of Vanilla Ices current look, most of them seemed unimpressed. When Vanilla Ice had his back turned one of them asked us, "Who is this retard? He comes down here every weekend and tries to hang out with us. Is he some kind of pederast or something?"

"Yeah, I look cool," said Vanilla Ice as we left the mall, "I know I look cool."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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