Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 1 March 2011

image for Dancing With The Stars Announces That Kirstie Alley Is The First Dance Contestant For The 2011 Season
Kirstie stated that she has gone from eating five pizzas a day to only eating one.

HOLLYWOOD - The hosts of Dancing With The Stars Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke have announced that Kirstie Alley is the first star who has been selected to appear on this years edition of the very popular dancing reality show.

Bergeron noted that it will be interesting to see who this year's Bristol "The Pistol" Palin will be.

This year's first dance contestant and the biggest surprise by far (no pun intended) recently was tipping the scales at a whopping 409 pounds.

Kirstie told Bergeron that she went on the Aspirin Diet and lost 173 pounds getting her weight down to 236. Brooke asked her what exactly the Aspirin Diet is.

Kirstie said that you take a bottle of Aspirin and you go out to your backyard. You then put the bottle of Aspirin on the ground and proceed to roll it with your tongue for three hours straight.

She said that you then take a ten minute break. You drink two ounces of water and then you roll the Aspirin bottle with your tongue again for five more hours.

Kirstie said that after she did this for 91 days in a row she noticed that she had lost 173 pounds. She giggled and said that she also now has the strongest tongue in California and she could actually slap the hell out of an adult pit bull, with her tongue if she had to.

Alley says that her goal will be to get back into a swimsuit by summer time. She did note that she is glad that she never got any tattoos because if she had with her tremendous weight loss there is no way that she would have known what the heck the tattoos were when they were first put on.

Kirstie Alley as of yet does not have a boyfriend. She did state that she feels that once she gets down from 236 to 202 or so she should be able to get one.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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