In the room where Monica Lewinsky "visited" former President Clinton, President Bush officially named Jim Belushi "Luckiest Man Alive." Belushi, star of direct to the waste basket movies as "K-9:PI" and "Joe Somebody" and ABC's "hit" television show "According To Jim" beat out such contenders as Kevin Federline, house hoe to Britney Spears, and Randy "Dawg" Jackson of American Idol.
The ceremony was attended by Belushi and some of his friends plus White House staff and cleaning crew who were promised a hot meal and some Skittles afterwards.
President Bush spoke before the sparse crowd. "We appreciate the efforts of John Belushi. A fine young man who revolutionaried comedy on Saturday Night Fever. I was shocked when I learned that Animal House wasn't based on my years at Yale."
The President was interrupted by Karl Rove and told he was awarding Jim Belushi not the late John Belushi. "Why?" he said.
It is rumored that Belushi makes about $300,000 an episode on ABC's "According To Jim." Which is roughly 7.8 million dollars a year for a 26 episode season. Shockingly, he will make even more millions when the show hits the cable and syndication circuit. Upon learning this, Senator Hillary Clinton, also in attendance, immediately called for a cap on all television actors salaries. In a rare showing of bi-partisanship, President Bush agreed. He also ordered an investigation of "Kings of Queens" which is on CBS. "How did someone who looks like Kevin James ever bag Leah Remini?" he said.
Belushi had a brief speech after accepting his award. "Don't hate. Paricipate."
He then pulled out a harmonica and began butchering "Sweet Home Chicago." After cleaning the blood out his ears, Bush gave a signal to the Secret Service and Belushi was knocked unconscious and dragged from the White House grounds. The president ordered the flag to be flown at half-mast to honor the death of comedy at ABC. Sunny D and Spam sandwiches were served afterwards.