Sultry Twilight star Kristen Stewart flew back to Vancouver this morning, after enjoying a pre-Oscars party get-together with co-star Robert Pattinson.
The pair were spotted smooching at the celeb-riddled bash at the fabulous Chateau Marmont hotel, which this festivity was also attended by Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson.
"They were really getting it on", said Hollywood gossip columnist Gutsi S Vermont. "They were hitting it at on the down low like Chateau Marmont in at on the little bungalows in back. I seen them at it. They're in at on the down low. Such energy they have. They're hitting it at like Chateau Marmont in these luxury bungalows in back. Say, they even dance together, like for to the low down in on up, you know? Say I've had my butt raised? So what I've had my butt lifted. Chins? We got chins like the Peking Telephone Book. You should be so lucky with your liposuctions."
But rival Hollywood hitman J Frothingham Waterbury had a different tale to tell.
"I just got off the phone with my old pal in Vancouver, J Pinkerton Snoopington, who had just got a call from his old pal Larson E Whipsnade, who, it would seem, had just heard from his old pal Mahatma Kane Jeeves, who had it from his pal Cornelius O'Hare who had got a note from his old pal out in Wichita, one Professor Eustace McGargle.
"What they had was of how Kristen Stewart had no sooner gotten back in Vancouver than the story is getting out about something of the nature of a nude pole dancing shock.
"This is without strings, you gotta understand. No strings, right?
"This is getting out via William Claude Dukenfield out in Pottawatomie County, Oklahoma, about just how Kristen Stewart was in this situation.
"In reference to the veracity of this story, there isn't any reason that we know of to doubt the veracity, since these fellows are not known to resort to taradiddle.
"Why only last week a fellow comes up to me way out in Topeka, Kansas, where my old Dad has a house in of with a fishing pole stack and whittling tools in the old icebox and a swooping verandah, he says: 'Rivers of beer flowing over your grandmother's paisley shawl. Fishing in the stream that runs under the aboreal dell. A man comes up from the bar, dumps $3,500 in your lap for every nickel invested. Says to you, "Sign here on the dotted line." And then disappears in the waving fields of alfalfa.'
"Why who could say fairer than that? In Kansas already."
With regard to what Hollywood hitman J Frothingham Waterbury is saying in this regard, in reference to the veracity of the Kristen Stewart nude pole dancing shock story, it's true insofar as it is set down in here. For this we can vouch, and as for anything else, we cannot say.
We could no doubt have gone into more elaborate details but we figure that there isn't any point.
Nobody reads it besides.
Don't be a luddy-duddy or a mooncalf or a jabbernowl. Go figure. In Vancouver. Via Topeka.