In a surprising turn of events US Secretary of Defense, Robert M. Gates, has made this revelation: Charlie Sheen IS Captain America.
Mr. Sheen alluded to his superpowers during a NBC interview when he stated that he has tiger blood flowing in his veins as well as Adonis DNA.
A reporter for the Hoboken Daily Shopper cornered Secretary Gates and demanded to know the truth. Gates buckled under the intense pressure.
"The truth," Secretary Gates replied, "is that Charlie Sheen really does have those attributes. The super soldier formula was partly derived from tiger blood as well as genetic material from Adonis. Charlie Sheen's womanizing, supposed drug use, and seemingly bizarre behavior, has been a screen for his role as champion for America."
Charlie Sheen, in his role as Captain America, has been secretly fighting a war against the forces of evil for years.
The real reason why the Egyptians were able to get rid of their dictator? Charlie Sheen was there behind the scenes punching out then President Hosni Mubarak.
The liberation of Eastern Europe from communism? Charlie Sheen was there punching out Gorbachev.
Unfortunately, the great American hero can't be everywhere at once: James Franco was able to drain the life out of the latest Academy Awards ceremony.
When Mr. Sheen was told that Mr. Gates had "outted" him, he seemed relieved. "At last I can live my life out in the open. I couldn't keep the crazy behavior going on forever. It was sooo draining."