APP -- Rocker Sheryl Crow, recently admitted to Cedars Cyanide medical center for exhaustion after stalking Lance Armstrong across Normandy, France, and parts of Germany has reportedly tested positive for EPO. Crow denied use of the performance-enhancing drug and accused a French-born lab technician, Pierre En-laKjup, for "spiking her urine sample with traces of the drug" between her hospital room and the lab two floors down." P. En-laKjup, of course, denies the charges.
Crow, reportedly fatigued after pursuing her beefcake prey up and down Le Alp de Huez, through french hotels, and in and out of restaurants and down windy French 2-lanes admitted she had taken "some vitamins. " but denied use of anything performance-enhancing besides the occasional toot of hi-grade, ahh, sudafed.
The possibility that fluid exchange between Crow and Armstrong resulted in transfer of minute, yet detectable amounts of EPO is "highly unlikely" according to Rolling Stone's chief chemistry editor,
"Uncle Duke." "Word on the street is she's a spitter, not a swallower anyway" said RS editor Jan Wormer.
One negative side-effect of anabolic steroid use, according to Cedars Cyanide physicians, is "shrinkage." "Boys will get great big muscles, but itty bitty pee pee" said Indian-born gastroenterologist Sanjik Vehda. "Women abusing male hormones like testosterone will sit in bars on Santa Monica boulevard waiting for the sun to come up with idiots named Billy who peel the labels off their bottles of Bud and burn matches down to their stubby fingers while watching car wash across the street."
Crow reportedly has gained height and weight, and displayed aggressive behavior characteristic of steroid abuse, a.k.a. "roid rage" including hurling a telephone at a hotel bellman who got his bell rung to the tune of a $300,000 cash settlement. No, wait a minute, that's Russell, nevermind!
SHERYL Crowe's latest album seems to have a water-bottle and spokes "take" to it , according to long-time fans. She covered Kathy Mattea's " Eighteen Wheels and a Yellow Jersey" along with "Slow Ride" by Foghat. Crowe reportedly rejected Queen's "Bicycle Race" and "Fat bottomed-girls" for the cycling-themed album.
As to whether Crow herself is a "smooth ride" or a "Belgium cobblestone ass-buster" Armstrong was too busy ranting and raving about riding in an 8th Tour de France to answer, much less even acknowledge questions by this reporter. Crow reportedly received get-well cards and flowers at the hospital from riders Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso, further enraging the snarling Armstrong.