HOLLYWOOD - After starting off with over one million American Idol hopefuls the AI judges have finally dwindled it down to 24.
They listened and listened and listened and they eliminated a total of 999,976, including one sore-as-hell loser, Jessica "The Unappreciative Birthday Bitch From Hell" Cunningham who upon being told that she would not be going through to the next round left in a huff shooting both fingers at the judges, Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson, Jennifer "La Tush" Lopez, and Steven "The Lips" Tyler.
Jessica, who was dressed like a cheap Detroit streetwalker, told the American Idol cameraman that the evil judges had ruined her 25th birthday by cutting her.
She yelled out that from now on whenever she hears someone say "Happy Birthday Jessica" she is going to say, "Cut the shit, you just reminded me that last year or (blank years ago), the damn puffed up Tootsie Roll lookin bro, the big assed New York City diva, and the tousled hair singing grandfather all ruined my birthday by cutting my sweet, sexy ass."
Cunningham took out a lipstick and started writing American Idol sucks on the door to the judges decision room. But before she could get to the "O" in Idol she was apprehended by two security guards and placed in handcuffs.
Jess "The Mess" started yelling that she was being mistreated. One of the guards told her to shut her freakin mouth. She then hollered out that she was being assaulted.
As the three made their way outside one of the security guards called over a homeless woman identified only as Amazonia. The woman stood 6 foot 6 and weighed about 275 pounds. She was wearing a dress made out of Sunday newspaper advertisement inserts.
An unnamed inside source stated that one of the guards whispered something to the homeless woman. Some money apparently exchanged hands. The handcuffs came off and Cunningham was released. The two guards quickly went back inside.
As soon as they were out of sight, the homeless woman latched on to Jess and the 6 foot 6, 275 pound mammoth of a woman put some major hurt on the 'Birthday Girl' who reportedly could be heard screaming, yelling, and hollering from as far away as nine city blocks.
When the Hollywood Police arrived they arrested Miss Cunningham for disturbing the peace.
Amazonia was later spotted two blocks away walking out of a liquor store with two bottles of Thunderbird Wine and a loaf of bread tucked underneath her arm.
And so American Idol is now down to 12 males and 12 females. And Jessica Cunningham will go back home to Maine and probably finish taking out her frustration on her boyfriend...assuming of course that Attila the Hun's sister does in fact have a boyfriend.