Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 24 February 2011

image for Jennifer Lopez Has A "Meltdown" On American Idol - Cries Out She Wants To Quit The Show!
A photo of Ryan Seacrest's very first microphone which his mother bought him for his second birthday.

HOLLYWOOD - American Idol Judge Jennifer Lopez, aka J.Lo has thus far sat through seven auditions in seven different cities, the nerve-wracking Hollywood Week, the ego-consumed Group Week, and The Las Vegas Beatles Sing-Off.

And although the highly seasoned recording artist, motion picture actress, model, and business mogul has seen it all the pressure and the strain of the show is starting to get to her physically, mentally, emotionally, and geographically.

The woman known as "La Tush" Lopez finally lost it on last night's edition of American Idol.

The three judges sat in judgement over the 61 remaining contestant hopefuls. Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson has never had a problem telling anyone "No."

His eyes get the size of ping pong balls, he takes the pen out of his mouth, and says "Ya know dawg, it just didn't do if for me...I mean this ain't for you. The melody was all over the place. You were pitchy as heck. The chorus was almost unidentifiable, and you forgot a whole lot of the words...nah 'fraid this ain't for you dawg - next."

The new male judge-on-the-block Steven Tyler, who pissed off his bandmates in Aerosmith, by taking the American Idol judge's gig lets the kids down somewhat easy.

"Lips" Tyler shakes his head, looks down, and says "Sorry, it just ain't there (sweety, sweetheart, sweet lips, or dude). Maybe you can come back next year and the year after that and who knows maybe if you cry real hard like some of the younger girls do, we'll feel sorry for you and pass you on to the next round."

After J.Lo had to tell one of the guys that this was the end of the line for him she broke down. The tears started flowing. Randy handed her a Kleenex and told her to take a few deep breaths.

Steven touched her left breast (accidentally) and told her not to worry about it because the little dude was not that good. Yes he had quite a story about having single-handedly carried eight Boston nuns from a burning convent but that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he isn't a good enough singer to continue moving on through to the next round.

Randy hugged Jennifer and tried to comfort her by telling her that the little dawg was at least going to receive a very nice parting gift.

But Lopez started crying even more. Oddly her mascara and eye liner were not running probably since J.Lo being a multi-millionaire she can afford to buy cosmetics that a woman could probably swim underwater in and they would not run.

Finally (Ryan) Seacrest walked over to the three and said "Okay, folks we have wasted enough time, we have to move on, we still have about 16 more kids to say "No" to.

And with that Lopez really started weeping even louder than before. She stood up and told Seacrest that she was through and that she was quitting and going back home to the Bronx.

Ryan quickly went to a commercial.

When the show resumed, J.Lo had stopped crying. An inside source stated that during the commercial Ryan had shown Ms. Lopez the clause in her contract that clearly stated that she cannot quit the show and if she does she was subject to a fine of $3 million plus possible imprisonment for up to two months in The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women.

Ryan smiled. He walked up to Jennifer and asked if she was alright.

"Yes. I'm fine Rayn." She replied. "Now get the next singer out here so I can friggin destroy some more hopes and dreams."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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