Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 22 February 2011

image for Ringo Starr Vs Simon Rattle: Scouse Faves Duke It Out!

A war of words has broken out between two of Liverpool's favourite sons over who is the more loyal Scouser.

Ex-Beatle, Ringo Starr is to visit the city next year as part of a world-wide tour and Sir Simon Rattle is currently in the UK with his Berlin Philharmonic orchestra for a series of dates at London's South Bank Centre and Barbican.

But Ringo's people are thought to be worried about the reception he might get from some quarters. There was an outcry a couple of years ago when he told Jonathan Ross that there was nothing he missed about the city of his birth.

Now the former moptop's tour has been announced, diplomatic messages have been coming from the Ringo camp, saying that he'll "always be a Scouser" and that he loves Liverpool.

A spokesman told us: "Of course he loves Liverpool and he can't wait for next year's visit.

"At least he's going there. Not like that Rattle geezer! What is it? Four nights in London and wham, bam thank you mam? Hah! Why's he not coming to Liverpool then?"

Our music critic, Pierre Noxious, was at the Barbican last night to see Sir Simon and he asked him about these comments.

"'Ey, Pierre! Com'ed? 'Ow yer gerrin' on mate?

"Don't be daft, mate - 'course I get back to Liverpool loads, like. I just don't bring all me mates. Can you imagine trying to get that lot in me mam's old place?

"Anyway Ringo should know better - at least I don't go shooting me mouth off about peace and love like some old hippy, then piss me fans off by telling them to stop writing to me.

"Tell 'im 'e'd better not come down the Grapes next time I'm in town or there's going to be a rumble.

"Sorry mate, gorra go. Gorra do some Mahler. Be good!"

(Simon Rattle/Berlin Philharmonic - Barbican by Pierre Noxious, Magazine section today).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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