Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 22 February 2011

image for The NFL Players Association and The NFL Owners Have Just Named Ines Sainz As Having "The Best Looking Butt In The USA"
If the NFL owners and the players do not agree on a new contract, the stadiums could look like this come football season.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Football Players Association and the NFL owners met in the "Capital City" to discuss the upcoming contract talks.

The current NFL contract expires in March. If a settlement is not reached soon, the owners could implement a player lock-out and the games for the upcoming season would be cancelled.

And as of noon, Tuesday, February 22, 2011, the only thing that both sides had agreed on was the fact that Ines Sainz, a sports reporter for Mexico's Azteca TV, who now resides in Brooklyn, has unanimously been voted as having "The Best Looking Butt In The USA."

Miss Sainz was reached at her apartment in Brooklyn and told about the vote taken by the NFL owners and players. She expressed her appreciation and gratitude and replied that it will only help her to wear her jeans even tighter now.

Sainz holding back tears remarked in broken English, "Tank ju from dee bottom of my heart and dee bottom of my bottom. I hab always beelived dat I had dee most purrfect butt in America and now dat ju hab all boated for eat, I know dat eat ease dee best one. Tank ju so mush."

Player spokesperson Tetley Westingbocker informed Sports Territory Magazine that the owners are being extremely unreasonable in their demands. He disclosed that one rule that the owners are wanting to do away with is the 'on-side' kick.

They say that it has gotten out of hand with some teams making 'on-side' kicks at the beginning of the game when the score is still 0-0.

He went on to further say that one team, the Detroit Lions used a total of 19 'on-side' kicks during the past season, breaking the old season record of 8.

Westingbocker expressed the fact that all of the owners feel that the 'on-side' kick is about as exciting for the fans as watching a foul ball in baseball, a double dribble in basketball, or verbally taunting the bull in bullfighting.

The spokesperson for the NFL owners Cuddy Luxingfeldt, III, stated that one practice that the owners most definitely want to address is the recent fad of having the cheerleaders mingling with the players on the bench during the games.

He noted that in late November there was an incident in Buffalo, New York where one of the cheerleaders was actually caught making out with the Buffalo Bills third string punter.

Luxingfeldt pointed out that this highly embarrassing incident was captured by a season ticket holder on his cell phone and put on You Tube and has now been viewed over 19 million times.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I spoke to a highly placed inside source with the Bills and he informed me that the cheerleader was immediately fired and the third string punter was sold the very next day to The Guatemala City Goat Herders of The Central American Quasi-Pro Football League.]

Another silly ceremony that the NFL owners want to do away with is the ridiculous tradition of dumping an entire bucket of perfectly good Gatorade on the winning coach at the end of the game.

Westingbocker disclosed that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is the owner spearheading the dumping (no pun intended) of this age old ritual.

Jones recently told a reporter for ESPN that he could see the players dumping the bucket of Gatorade on the losing coach, but not on the winning coach.

On the other side of the table the players want for the owners to spend some money to buy better equipment, especially helmets, football cleats, and athletic cups.

Many players have expressed concern that the current helmets which are being manufactured in the African country of Upper Shambutu are not as good a quality as they should be considering that during the games they are at times being hit at speeds of up to 73 miles per hour.

So with the possibility of a football lock-out looming on the horizon NBC and the Fox Network are already making plans to fill the football game time slots with reruns of the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Cagney and Lacey, and Starsky and Hutch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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