NEVERLAND-Recently acquitted of child molestation charges, pop icon and maximum weirdo Michael Jackson has set his sexual sights on outer space, hoping to lure alien kiddies to his ‘just for fun' den of iniquity, i.e. his space age ‘sleepover stopover.'
Figuring it would be pretty much impossible to lure any more human kids into his lair after his pedophile practices became THE topic at dinner tables from Maine to Madagascar, ole Wacko Jacko has decided, since there are no known laws against having sex with an underage extraterrestrial, the sky's the limit (pun intended).
As soon as contract negotiations are finalized-actually, as soon as the builders and engineers can stop laughing so hard they're peeing their pants-construction will begin on what is believed to be the first ever Space Alien Welcome Center, somewhere on the Neverland compound. Costs are estimated to be anywhere from a couple of bucks to over a billion, depending on how Jackson accountants have been cooking the books lately.
Seeing as how nobody quite knows how big the average alien spacecraft might be, plans of various sizes have been proposed to accommodate a wide range of designs and dimensions. Since the only information currently available on such things is the stuff of science fiction myth and legend and the product of silver screen imaginations, any and all concepts are being considered. NASA, however, has snubbed the raucous rocker's request for assistance. "We got enough on our hands with the space shuttle snafus to bother with another space case right now," snorted Chief Aeronautical Engineer Upton O'Goode.
Jackson, a well-known sci-fi fanatic, has been poring over television and movie footage, trying to come up with amenities and accommodations that will make the little critters want to spend more than just one night. George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg have agreed to rent their special effects and futurist designers to Michael's magnum dopus out of pure curiosity. "This is hysterical," Lucas exclaimed between guffaws. "We're offering our services free of charge, hoping for a few ideas to put toward our next out space venture," chimed Spielberg, with tears of uncontrollable laughter painting his reddened cheeks.
Fans and foes of Mr. One Red Glove are waiting in anxious anticipation for the completion of the ‘fabulous fiasco.' Jackson fan clubs are saving their pennies in the hopes that they'll get an invite to rub elbows-or whatever appendages might be available-with the cosmic new kids on the block. Those who have had enough of the over-the-top, off-the-edge eccentric-meaning 99.9% of the world's population-are hoping the space pad is a success. Who wouldn't chip in to buy gas and bribe some space cadet to cart ole Jacko to outer space where he belongs?!