For Philadelphia ambulance chaser Justin Bieber, Esq., having the same name as the hottest young lady to hit the pop music scene since Taylor Hanson is not the parade of late-night parties and fellatio from hangers-on that one would expect.
"The name is Justin Matte Bieber, Esq.," said the 32-year-old attorney. "Just look at all the sh-tty personal injury ads I pay for in the Daily News."
1st base = Frenching.
2nd base = Feeling.
3rd base = Fingering.
Home base= F--king.
5th base = Fudge packing. What are you, 12?
"Like Bieber the singer, Bieber the lawyer combs his blond hair forward," reads an article about the lawyer on the Today Show's website. "But the lawyer's hair is considerably shorter, does not require a platoon of hairdressers to arrange and is not cemented into place. Also, he has yet to get to fifth-base with Selena Gomez, as his multi-millionaire namesake does, allegedly."
"Yeah, I gotta change this name. I was thinking about 'Max Power.' Doesn't that sound manly?" asked the lawyer. " 'There's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way. Which is the wrong way, but faster!' "
And while Justin M.'s music career ended when he gave up piano lessons as a kid, he's found one distinct plus from sharing his name with a superstar - people know how to say the name, which is German in origin.
"It's a really unusual name," he said. "The name's so unique we're probably the only two with the same name. People used to mispronounce and misspell it all the time, and call me 'beaver' 'byeber' 'motherf--king a--hole, but not anymore!"
Justin Bieber, musician, will begin an international tour in March.
Justin Matte Bieber, shyster, will be representing Abe and Deborah Schlossberg in the case "Schlossberg and Schlossberg et als. v. South Eastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority, The City of Philadelphia, The State of Pennsylvania, ABC Companies 1-100 and John Does 1-100", a personal injury suit regarding a broken toe Mrs. Schlossberg suffered when the Route 66 trackless trolley ran over her foot at the corner of Frankford and Cottman Avenues.