Written by Charpa93
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Saturday, 19 February 2011

image for Simon Cowell Disgusted with Performance of Season Ten Idol Judges

Simon Cowell, judge extraordinaire of seasons one through nine of American Idol, finally felt it was his duty to step up and give a grade to this season's newly hired judges, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, and it was far from kind. Unfortunately, his pal Randy Jackson also got a failing grade from the overly critical Brit.

"The three of them are the biggest bunch of softies I've ever seen in my life, for God's sake," said Cowell of the judges' overall performance. "Geez, some unstable singer cries in front of them for forgetting the lyrics of a song she chose, and they put her through to the freakin' finals." This seemed to be Cowell's biggest criticism, but it was far from being the only thing that set him off.

Cowell asked "Since when have we ever told the first group of contestants they are going through to finals and allowed them to scream and yell so loud that they ruin our fun in telling the next set that they didn't make it through?" Simon claims that was one of the things he loved best about being a judge, the element of surprise. But he claims that for some reason, Tyler, Lopez and Jackson seem to have changed things up to soften the blow so that when they opened the door to the room housing the losers, they seemed more like heroes for releasing the next two groups with words of encouragement like "you are already a star," and "we're so sorry we have to let you go."

"Oh sure," said Cowell, "there were tears, but give me a break, it wasn't half as stressful for those kids as it was when I was calling the shots. When they saw me walk into that room, those kids would tremble from fear. It was a given." Cowell claims all anyone like Jennifer Lopez seems to command is a heartfelt hug. "It's quite pathetic to watch," he said.

Cowell claims another thing that is bugging him about this year's show is the fact that Randy Jackson seems to have his nose constantly up Steven Tyler's ass. "What is that all about?" asked Cowell. "I mean, seriously, when did Steven Tyler become such a big celebrity? 'I see where you're coming from, Steven,' and 'I totally agree with what Steven says,' and 'what do you think Steven?' It was all I could do to keep my dinner down watching that crap."

Surprisingly, the only person to escape the full wrath of Cowell's criticisms was his long-time nemesis, Ryan Seacrest. Said Cowell, "For everything Ryan isn't, at least this season he has been incredibly consistent. Consistently mediocre," he added.

Cowell has offered several times to give the new judges some pointers to toughen them up before the show turns into a sickening Lovefest, but so far no one has taken him up on his offer. "So be it," said Cowell. "Let's see any of them even come close to the salary I was making before I decided to turn the reins over to them," he said as if only his coming back to the show would save it from a slow and painful death.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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