NBCLand-Crafty domestic arts maven Martha Stewart, in a calculated bid to free herself from what she terms federal over regulation, has ripped off her parole ankle bracelet, passed it off on an assistant and taken a fast car to freedom in a desperate bid to get her career back on track.
"I have conferences, meetings, interviews, plans to make," she hastily said to this Spoof reporter. "I have no time for being locked up in a winky dinky little cell with nothing better to do than look out beyond the solid ironed barriers holding me back and dreaming of freedom. I am the woman in my own domesticated starched outfit and will whip up a classic dish to please various and sundry in just a jiffy. Give me a hand, please."
"Prison was a total waste of my invaluable time. License plates have limited marketing potential and provide small boxed in creative opportunities. You can't even give them away. There are only so many ways to count to ten. My plans are bigger than that."
"I no longer have any time for prison or the skills needed to survive in a six by ten cinder block world. That's over and done with. My agenda now is to make life difficult for sixteen ambitious people who think they can be helpful. Little do they know what the future holds for them on ‘Martha Stewart's Apprentice'. The Donald, that old financial sorcerer, could learn a lot of tricks from me."
"The candidates on my new show are going to have to pass the bar of chocolate I've hidden inside the studio and find a way to make sweet nothings in front of my live audience and then convince me and me and me alone together with my real time staff that they've done a good job on air."
"My dirty little secret is that everyone knows they've been pre-selected, pre-screened, pre-framed, nailed to the wall, interviewed and drained. It is also a little known fact that I'm going to let you in on that cooking raw muscle is not all it is cracked up to be, with the extra special warning that choosing paint colors is not something you should permit anyone who knows what's what or who's who to do alone. Look at all the drabbery we have in this country today."
"It is far better to sift flour without spilling the beans or telling the Charlotte Observer. Rest assured, I am going to assure you that all 161 Martha Stewarts wearing crocheted ponchos will receive free passes to the next free episodes of my two shows and personal instructions on how to flatten an omelet."
Don't forget My Flagship Motto Is Martha Stewart Living lives on with you. Buy a copy and don't forget to tune in for more helpful hints on how to live the good life.