Unemployed actor, Jabba the Hut, has been hired by Jerry Lewis' MDA Charities, Inc. to host the annual Labor Day Telethon. Since the completion of the Star Wars double trilogy, Jabba has been looking for a starring vehicle, but had been rebuffed at every turn, according to his agent, Larson E. Greed.
At a press conference announcing the appointment, Mr. Greed stated, "The big guy hadn't been able to convince anyone from Hollywood that he'd make a great leading man. Instead, they pointed out the astronomical cost associated with simply supplying a buffet for the bouncing behemoth. Most producers wouldn't hear of trying to feed him. And, as part of his contract with MDA, he's entitled to all the live, frog-like creatures they can load into a 10 gallon drum that he can consume per day (they found a wonderful supply swimming in and around New Orleans after the recent flood)."
Jabba's representative pointed out that any liquid refreshment would do and that the cost of supplying him with 20 gallons of toilet water would be negligible, an additional selling point in hiring him as host of this world-famous, annual event.
"A sturdy, reinforced stage would, by necessity, be required as well as a chair built to hold 650 pounds of roiling blubber. And on the plus side, he can still do really funny pratfalls, as long as he doesn't fall on anyone." Unfortunately, during a dress rehearsal there was an unfortunate accident involving a cute five year-old who was crushed beyond recognition when Jabba lost his balance and fell from his chair. The check the boy was holding for $100 thousand was fortunately recovered.
Overall, MDA officials are delighted with Jabba's hiring. They pointed out that the Star Wars films have always been accepted by children and, since MDA is primarily directed at helping Jerry's Kids, this hiring makes a great deal of sense. They pointed out that children love being frightened by horrible monster stories, and who better to host their annual event than a monster like Jabba the Hut? Children watching the show will be thrilled and chilled by the Big Guy while they pester their parents to contribute to MDA's worthy cause.
- Ted Haxton Jr