Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 17 February 2011

image for Jessica Simpson's Fiancé Tells Her To Stop Feeding Her Face Before She Starts Looking Like A Blonde Kirstie Alley
Jessica Simpson shown in a photo before she ballooned up to 150 pounds. (Photo courtesy of Tony Romo).

WEST HOLLYWOOD - The man who provides Jessica Simpson's fiancé, Eric Johnson with his vegetables has stated that Johnson made quite a startling announcement about Simpson to him.

Franz Ditsfauster, who owns The Ditsfauster & Gomez Vegetables Store in West Covina commented that his number one client told him that he is fed up with his fiancée's constant habit of spitting while sunbathing out in the backyard, grabbing her crotch like a baseball player, and eating everything she can get her hands on.

Ditsfauster pointed out that Johnson confided in him that Jessica, who is only 5 foot 3 inches tall has gained 20 pounds since last Thanksgiving.

Eric told Franz that she has gone from 130 pounds up to 150. Eric said that at the rate his fiancée is going she could easily hit the big two zero zero (200) by Easter Sunday.

Johnson, who is an ex-NFL player who played for the San Francisco 49ers and the New Orleans Saints, stated that three times a week Jessica drives over to Tacos, Tacos, and Mucho More Tacos and sits down in her own specially designated 'Daisy Duke' booth and has her regular dinner meal; which consists of an order of Chicken Fried Enchiladas, an order of Sweet and Sour Tamales, and three Sushi Tacos.

Simpson washes it all down with three Corona Light Beers.

Eric, who says that he has subsided on nothing but vegetables for the past two years told Ditsfauster that he finally had to sit Jessica down and read her the Riot Act.

He asked her to step out onto the backyard deck. When she did, he told her to please take the flour tortilla out of her mouth and listen very carefully to what he was going to say.

Jessica told him that she could eat the flour tortilla and listen to him at the same time. Eric walked over to where she was sitting and he yanked the flour tortilla out of her mouth. He then tossed it like a Frisbee and it landed on the next door neighbors avocado bush.

Jessica yelled out if he was stupid, just acting stupid, or if he was born stupid. She then reminded him that she was Jessica Simpson. The Jessica Simpson who is probably worth in the neighborhood of $1 billion.

Eric started to reach for her neck but he stopped himself. He then told her that he was going to ask that she stop feeding her face because she is starting to look like the blonde version of Kirstie Alley.

Jessica got highly offended. "Look here buster" she hollered out. "I am a way much better actress than Kirstie is."

She then stood up, got in his face and said "And one more thing Mr. Football Jock, if I did not let rich dudes like John Mayer, Dane Cook, and Tony Romo boss me around, I am certainly not about to let a has been bench rider, with no friggin job tell me what to do."

Eric went inside. He took all of his vegetables out of the refrigerator, called a taxi cab, and left "Fort Knox."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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