Written by Gemma Murphy
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Tuesday, 15 February 2011

image for 'ENEMA' puts TV Psychic in hospital

Merseyside's best-loved 'Psychic medium/comedian' Mr Derek Acorah was dramatically rushed to hospital yesterday following a freak accident whilst performing live in his new stage show 'ENEMA'.

The 61 year old Scouser who claims not to use a varied mixture of 'madness, subordination, psychopathy, misconduct and con-manship' to achieve his results has been kept
in hospital overnight for observation.

Onlookers were said to have 'gasped in horror', as a table being 'levitated' by the medium appeared to suddenly swing out of control (as if on a long piece of sticky tape) and hit Acorah full across the back of the head.

One audience member and life-long Derek fan Wally Schmuck, 57 witnessed the moment first hand. "It was awful" he said, "the table just flew at Derek out of nowhere, Sam tried to stop it, but it just went straight through him."

This, however, was not the first disaster to strike the opening night of his sell-out-ish tour; Acorah had already sustained a twisted ankle in the first half whilst 'chatting' to Brenda's dead goldfish, Frank. In between sobs, Brenda told us "It was lovely to hear from Frank and to know he is safe and happy. Derek's a miracle worker, he was able to tell me all the little things Frank liked to do, like swim and eat fish food, he was very precise." Brenda took a moment to recompose before continuing, "It was unfortunate, Derek had these bandages wrapped around his eyes to help him communicate with the spirit world, and he just didn't see the end of the stage."

Several of the audience members paused on their way out to send messages of hope to Acorah and praise him for an otherwise successful show. " 'The Spirit Cabinet' was a highlight" said one well wisher, "I have no idea where he gets his inspiration. It was truly amazing! At one point, some of us even caught a glimpse of the spirit inside. It was very eerie, she was playing 'Allegretto' on the tambourine and looked a bit like that Mylene Klass off the telly, only greyer."

One close personal friend of Derek (who has to be kept anonymous) said, "It's a shame he didn't get to complete the show. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet but I sing in the big surprise surprise video at the end. My song explains why the show is called ENEMA and it's a lora lora fun."

Speaking from his hospital bed late last night, Derek vowed to make a full recovery and complete the tour. In an exclusive interview he told us, "The results I get from ENEMA reflect my unique talents.

Fans, do not worry. I will continue to bring obscure messages from your dead loved-ones straight to your broken little hearts. cheques and all major credit cards accepted."

Derek's neighbour Jean, who was also in the audience hinted that she knew who was behind the suspected sabotage. She spoke out against Derek's critics. "Those performers who claim they do not use ghosts in their stage shows are simply not telling the truth." she stated. "I've seen Derren Brown's DVDs and it's obvious he's using ghosts. In fact, if you watch the last sequence of 'ENIGMA' backwards whilst free-fusing the image it's possible to spot the exact moment the ghosts sweep in and mix the pictures into the right order."

Derek's Auntie Barbara who was on the front row when the incident occurred also pointed the finger. "This is clearly an attempt at sabotage" she claimed. "I know Derren Brown is behind this. He just can't bear the fact that Derek has better, more informative ghosts than he has." She also 'ripped into' the sceptics; "If you care to actually come and watch Derek at work and try your utmost and absolute best to make things 'fit' then you'll see the proof for yourselves,
it's just simple scientific paranormal activity."

As this story went to press, Derren Brown's website was flooded with declarations of allegiance from his array of devoted disciples. These messages of support briefly outnumbered the more mundane 'every-day' posts from his more masochistically inclined fans outlining their depraved sexual fantasies.

One such 'supporter' a P Benedict from the Vatican City no less, wrote, "I know we have not always seen eye to eye over recent years, but you know I would bend over forwards to make you happy. If you need an alibi just call me…in fact, call me anyway…pleeeease call me for God's sake ."

Mr Brown's PA informed investigative officers that the 'World-Class Mentalist' had spent the night deep in talks with one of his employees, 'Lucy Fur' and insisted that he was no-where near the Liverpool Empire at the time of the incident.

Not content with a 'half story', we sent a reporter to London to interview Mr Brown over the allegations.

Unfortunately, he returned smelling faintly of vinegar with no recollection of why he went in the first place.

In-between writing the script for his new sold-out tour 'Svengali' and filming for his upcoming TV Special "How to become Ruler of the Universe" Mr Brown somehow however, found time to issue this beautiful statement: "One has never doubted that Mr Acorah has EXCELLENT non-existent Psychic Abilities and One desiderates him an expeditious convalescence."

Derek appeared to be pleased as he closed his Thesaurus, and extended the proverbial olive branch in the form of a half-price ticket to ENEMA attached to a brief lifestyle questionnaire.

We visited Derek in hospital where he told us in confidence that Derren had sent a short subliminal video to aid his recovery. "It's an obvious apology for all the things he has said to hurt me and Sam over the years." Derek said. "I find that very sweet, and although I was sceptical at first it has seemed to work. I feel a lot better, in fact I might even be able to walk if I… could…just…un stick…myself…from …this…bloody…bed."

Mr Brown refused to comment on the subliminal imagery in Derek's video gift but several passers-by have reported hearing echoes of strange evil delight emanating from the Star's London home. Staff at 'Brown Towers' assured the public that this is nothing out of the ordinary.

Derek also admitted he had been dreaming of a 'joint venture' for some time. "At the moment I'm just toying with a few ideas" he said, chewing the end of his biro. "I'm thinking Big TV Special, something that showcases both our talents. I don't want to give too much away but Derren could do something that involves walking and water and I could do some kind of accompaniment like hum the tune to The Twilight Zone. I think it could be really effective."

Friend and host of 'Most Haunted', Yvette Fielding was by Derek's side last night. "The joint venture sounds perfect." she remarked. "The pair are very similar really, Derren uses his talents to create illusions and Derek uses illusions to create his talent. They're like two peas!"

Medical staff at 'The Royal' say Derek must take it easy for a while. Doctors remain unsure as to whether Acorah has damaged his aura but they say he will probably still be able to conduct readings for the 'rich and famous' as his Wikepedia is still in full working order.

Merseyside police are investigating, but have made no arrests as of yet. They are appealing for information and wish to speak to several 'stage hands' in connection with the table incident. In particular an old man seen shuffling from the venue carrying a heavy chain and a pale but rather amiable chap who goes by the name of Casper.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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