Written by Jack Melling
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Topics: Movies, masturbation

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Despite the success of the Black Swan at the box office, it has been exclusively revealed that millions of men have been left frustrated by what masturbating film critics are calling "a complete and utter cock tease."

Millions of men, expecting to see an intense lesbian sex scene, were dismayed at various random images of scary women appearing throughout it.

One man said, "I heard about the lesbian sex scene between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman and thought Black Swan would be right up my street, but the whole film frustrated me throughout."

"Just as I was getting into the scene, a random woman in the kitchen appeared that scared the shit out of me. I could barely get a semi."

Others commented on the film claiming it had ruined their sex lives and left them mentally disturbed.

David Master Bates said, "After seeing the film I was trying to have sex with my girlfriend, but I just couldn't. I kept thinking she would turn into a fucking black swan!"

"I then tried having a wank later that day to see if I could sort out the problem, but I just couldn't do it! I kept turning around to see if my mum was asleep on the chair."

Mr Skin, which archives millions of nude actresses and celebrities, has responded to the public anger towards the Black Swan with the following statement:

"If you're looking to pleasure yourself during the Black Swan then don't bother. We have tried to edit the perfect masturbating scene from the film, but there's just too much weird shit going on. If you want to get off watching a film, go and see the King's Speech - Helena Bonham Carter is quite fit as the Queen Mum."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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