New York City is about to become a little bit safer, after word from The Baxter Building that Spider-Man will be replacing Johnny Storm after his tragic death during the Negative Zone crisis.
We know how this ends. You went from red and blue to black, and what happened? The Venom symbiote took over your brain.
"Johnny Storm will always be a part of the Fantastic Four. He was my brother as well as my brother-in-law, and we owe him a tremendous debt," said Four leader Reed Richards. "However, we owe it to New York to ensure that this city will be protected, which is why Spider-Man will be joining us."
"Reed's announcement might be a bit premature; we are almost there, salary-wise," said Spider-Man's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, who also represents Plaxico Burress, Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Jeremy Shockey and some NFL receivers that aren't a--holes. "And once that's done, Spidey will be announced as part of the Team."
Richards stated that there will be a number of changes to the Four: The Post reported earlier this week that they will be changing their name to the Future Foundation, abandoning the Fantastic Four brand that has earned them billions, and even spawned a number of terrible biopic movies.
Richards did say, however, that gone are their traditional blue costumes. The team will now be wearing white-and-black costumes, making them look like lithe, muscular Storm Troopers.
The wall-crawler, meanwhile, has been nearly silent on the deal, speaking briefly about it during an appearance on Rachel Ray.
"Johnny was my best friend, so I have little desire to 'replace' him, but I do think that I would be a good addition to a reformed alliance with Reed, Sue and Ben," said Spider-Man, while helping fat-ass make some recipe that invariably involved chicken stock and olive oil. "By the way, why do you talk out of only one side of your mouth? Is the right side of your face dead?"
Of course, Spider-Man critics are upset.
"You need more money, Spidey?" said a fan on Spidey-Sux.web. "Movies, comic books, 'On Air with Spider-Man', 'American Top 40', 'E! News' and 'American Idol'? Leave some for everyone else, OK?"
The new Fantastic Four will be introduced on the March 11, 2011 episode of Mythbusters.