LOS ANGELES - Superior Court Judge for Los Angeles County Keifer K. Quartzenbaum made it crystal clear to Miss Lindsay Lohan that he, unlike other pantywaisted county officials, is not going to be treating her with kid gloves just because she thinks she's a Hollywood celebrity.
Judge Quartzenbaum also informed the 24-year-old that as far as he is concerned she is nothing but a spoiled little Hollywood brat who thinks that she can just go around stealing $2,500 necklaces and get away with it.
Judge Q, as his fellow judges call him, gave Lohan the once over and told her that he does not appreciate her waltzing into his courtroom wearing a short white outfit that looks as if it was spray painted on and clearly revealing her pencil eraser-like nipples for all of his courtroom 'fans' (his word) to see.
Lohan apologized for wearing the dress, but added that she has no control over what her nipples are going to do in any given situation and at any given time.
"Fair enough." Replied Judge Quartzenbaum.
Lohan then asked the judge if she could speak. He told her to go ahead. She stood up and right away she got tears in her eyes.
The judge stopped her and told her to stop with the cheap movie star drama queen antics because tears are not going to prevent him from sending her ass (his word) to prison.
Lindsay said that her tears were real just like her breasts, unlike the knockers of so many of today's Hollywood celebrities such as Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, and Fargolina Sondheim.
She then informed the judge that there is a very good reason why he cannot send her to prison or even back into rehab.
"And what might that very good reason be?" The judge asked extremely inquisitively.
Lohan, who has suddenly developed trout snout lips, ala Priscilla Presley and Suzanne Somers replied, "The reason why I cannot go to prison is because Simon Cowell has asked me to be one of the judges on his brand new singing reality show 'X-Factor.'"
"Really now?" Judge Quartzenbaum asked.
"Yes sir, and Simon Cowell carries a lot of weight not only in America, but in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Upper Shambutu as well."
The judge shook is head and told Miss Lohan that he would take that into consideration along with the price of tea in China, Chaz Bono's weight problem, and the weather in the Netherlands.
He then instructed her to stay away from beer, wine, whiskey, marijuana, crack cocaine, heroin, Gummy Bears, and trans fats. He told her that he wants to see her back in his courtroom on Feb. 23rd at 4:15 a.m.
"4:15 a.m.?" Lohan asked extremely puzzled.
"You heard right. And exactly what effen part of 4:15 a.m. do you not fully understand bitch?"
"4:15 a.m. is perfectly doable your honor sir."