Written by dutch
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Topics: Jordan

Saturday, 12 February 2011

image for Jordan On Prowl, "Miaow"
Jordan is looking for her perfect man

A fur clad Jordan was on the prowl last night on a six hour bender. Jordan was wearing a rabbit-skin black poncho and sheer leopard skin tights, and a furry Russian cossak style hat.

Worried friends say that Jordan is facing meltdown after finally giving Alex the boot.

The glamour model is only having protein shakes, glasses of water and dehydration pills. She is very weak and vulnerable at the moment and she is too weak to walk on her 4 inch stilettos without help.

Jordan is starting to morph into a wild-cat and has taken to drinking a saucer of milk in the morning and having a small bowl of Whiskas.

Pals of the tragic star are worried that she has started to lose all touch with reality. She has asked to stylist to get her a diamond studded cats collar, leash and a whip.

The 'cat woman's' eyes are starting to grow a luminous green in the dark.

A worried sychophantic hanger-on confided they are thinking of getting a cat whisperer in. "It is not normal for a girl to go on the prowl around footballers like a cat on heat".

Jordan is desperate to meet 'the one' and is looking for an alpha male who is not frightened of her celebrity status and will not want to steal her limelight.

Ideally Jordan would like to be with a tycoon like Simon Scowl and she believes in the doctrine of "treat them mean keep them keen."

Her disasterous union with Alex Reid was doomed from the start as he was too subservient to Jordan. The sexy little minx wants a man who can dominate her and is not afraid to discipline her when she has been a little bit naughty.

The troubled star has indicated that she might admit herself into the Priory when she has been on a month long bender; getting laid every night by Tom, Dick and Harry. The Priory has a suite of rooms on standby for Jordan but says she will have to turn in all her contraband of pills and potions. The strict clinic does not allow drinking or smoking or any illegal substances; prescribed pills must be turned into the staff nurse in charge and not returned until the patient is discharged.

Poor Jordan would ideally like to meet a hunky, muscly guy who is wealthy and powerful before she goes into therapy. She has "sexted sexy topless pics to Ashley Cole' and he has done likewise.

However, the glamour model is said to be insanely jealous of little sexpot Cheryl Cole who would be the ultimate 'fly in the ointment' as Ashley is still smitten with Chezza.

Jordan is hoping to do a documentary about how she recuperated after ditching Alex whom she ill-advisedly married on the rebound from Peter Andre.

Worried pals are worried that the 'cat woman' is not looking after her three little 'cubs' and is only concerned with her well-being.

Peter Andre is going to apply for custody of the three kids. He said, "Katie is not a fit mother she is a nymphomaniac and does not take care of my children. What mother goes out to nightclubs all night and neglects her children's bedtime routine, Jordan has not been home with the kids for over 10 days and has not prepared the kids tea of fishfingers and chips and peas after school". Irate Pete has regretted the day he met Katie in the jungle. He said of his ex-wife, "She should have stayed in the jungle as she is a cougar, and she could have been as wild and vicious as any wild animal on the prowl."

Simon Scowel is desperate to sign Jordan as "Jane" in a new remake of Tarzan and is desperate to see her in a leopard skin bikini and suede boots. It is not known who would be cast in the role of Tarzan but Peter Andre, and Alex Reid not not apply.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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