OUCH HOLLER, Kentucky - Seasoned police in Ouch Holler, Kentucky say that they only thought that they had seen it all.
A spokesperson for the OHPD, who was laughing so hard he could not remember his own name, stated that police officers Wydell "Bubba" Leatherbook and Carver "Yo Bro" Rowdyridge stopped a late model Ford Focus with Kentucky license plates "HO-BRO" because of a burned out left rear tail light.
When officers asked the driver, identified as Antoine Jefferson Jackson Banks to step out of the car, he reportedly asked if he really had to.
Officer Rowdyridge informed Banks that if he refused to exit the car he would be sprayed with pepper spray. Banks told the officers that he was allergic to pepper.
At that point Officer Leatherbook told Banks to get his ass out of the car or he was going to taser his butt, put him in handcuffs, take him to jail, and sell his car at a police auction.
Banks got out of the car faster than Carrie Fisher chomping down a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips.
He was instructed to touch his nose; which he did. He was then told to count from 1 to 3; which he did. He was then asked who the president was. Banks paused for a moment and asked "Of America?"
"Yeah bro, America" Leatherbook answered.
"Oh dat be an easy one. Da prezdent of America he be dat black dude who be married to dat tall big butted black woman Michelin like the black tire. lemmy see now, what be dat black bro's name?...oh yeah Barry "Da Main Man" Obama dat be who da prezdent be."
Leatherbook unholstered his taser gun and started to take it out of its holster but Rowdyridge quickly put his hand up in Leatherbook's face and told him to chill.
Banks was then asked to walk a straight line. It was then that both officers noticed that Banks was walking very, very weird kinda like he had just ridden a horse naked from Cincinnati to Indianapolis a distance of about 150 miles.
Leatherbook asked him why he was walking like a girl. Banks said that he wasn't. Rowdyridge then asked him if he needed to pee or something.
Banks shook his head no and then thought about it and said, "Say bro, ya know on second thought dat sho nuff be a right good idea fa sho uh huh."
Leatherbook sensed that something was not right. He told Banks to take off his pants and his underwear. Banks, who is a black man turned as white as Nicole Kidman (well almost).
He looked at Rowdyridge and then at Leatherbook and asked. "Say you two fellas ain't a couple of dem sissy types is ya cause if ya is den I needs ta makes me a phone call ta my lawyer rat now."
Leatherbook took out his police revolver and told Banks to stop with his bullshit comedy routine cause he wasn't no Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, or Zydeco Dupree.
Banks took off his pants and his underwear. Rowdyridge shined his flashlight on Banks' crotch area and he could not believe what he saw.
Leatherbook took a look and he was just as shocked. Banks had a regular sized penis but the tip looked like it was the size of California orange.
"Boy, what the hell have you got underneath that foreskin of yours huh?" Leatherbook asked.
"Bullshit! Boy I used to be a high school football coach and I ain't never seen a pecker lookin like dat."
At that point Leatherbook said that he was just going to get it all over with and he was going to go ahead and just taser the hell out of Banks.
Banks quickly reached down. He pulled back his foreskin and out popped out about three ounces of crack cocaine.
Rowdyridge grabbed a sandwich bag and a black Sharpie pen from his patrol car and told Banks to carefully place the crack cocaine in the bag and mark it 'Exhibit A.'
Banks was then handcuffed. His crotch region was sprayed with Lysol and he was placed in the police car and taken downtown to police headquarters.
The OHPD has stated that Antoine Jefferson Jackson Banks will be charged with possession of crack cocaine, trying to mislead the authorities, and physically abusing his pecker (penis). The first two charges could result in jail time. The third charge will result in a 'small' fine.