Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 10 February 2011

image for Local Man Bags Place On New TV Reality Show
Shuttlecock - Happy And Contented At Last!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today proudly announced that he has bagged a place on TV reality show, 'B*llocks*d!' to be screened next year on the 'UK Sheetmetal' channel.

This follows on from an announcement from Shuttlecock that he would probably be giving up his day job because he was really pissed off with being told what to do by a bunch of morons with an average IQ of about 7.

Shuttlecock explained that he was getting sick and tired of working 15 hour days and entering into political frays with OCD patients, not to mention fighting trains in unmanned stations and frequently freezing his spuds off and catching pneumonia in pursuit of what basically amounts to futility.

"I sent this form off. What I got off the internet," Shuttlecock told Skoob Entertainment News. "I worked it out - coz I'm really dead brainy when I think about it - that if I carry on doing what I've been doing to earn money, then I'll be brown bread (dead) before long. I just had to make some radical lifestyle changes, so I applied to the 'Bollocksed' TV show and got accepted! Wha-hey! Kinell! And all that shite! They took a three grand deposit, and offered me a contract worth fifty quid a week. Fair enough, it's longer hours than what I was doing before, but at least I don't have to catch trains at 05:42 in the morning any more. I'm chuffed to fuck, me!"

Shuttlecock's agent, Buffty Ginslinger, told us that the radical move will allow his client a greater degree of freedom in life, albeit with significantly less income. A compromise which Shuttlecock appears to be prepared to accept.

The new TV show will depict the harsh realities of Shuttlecock's life, such as getting up in the mornings at 11am prompt, making coffee, smoking cigarettes, then checking his emails, before going up the shops to purchase copious quantities of alcoholically based beverages, then returning home to watch 'Dickinson's Real Deal' on the telly, scribbling some bollocks on an internet website, watching Tommy Walsh knock some nails in, and probably ending up in A&E after trying to open a tin of cat food with an angle grinder.

Long suffering wife, Anne, would only say:

"He's a fucking idiot. But he's going to have to escort me down the dentist's tomorrow. Whether he stinks of stale ale and piss or not."

Buffty Ginslinger described Shuttlecock's reinvention as being 'a stroke of sheer genius, on a Madonna type scale...only infinitely less successful.'

Shuttlecock was last seen, lurching uncertainly around his back garden trying to resuscitate a dead gazebo, which expired last year.

At the time of filing this report, he hadn't quite pinned it down - even though his back garden isn't very big. And the gazebo is.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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