Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 7 February 2011

image for American Idol's Ryan Seacrest Vows He Will Never Marry Courtney Penry
Courtney admits she wore a short skirt hoping to attract the attention of Ryan Seacrest, the man of her dreams.

HOLLYWOOD - Ryan Seacrest the host of American Idol recently sat down with Cashew Vixenheimer of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune and talked about the upcoming AI season.

Seacrest said that new judges Steven "Lips" Tyler and Jennifer "La Tush" Lopez have both seemed to have settled into their roles as AI judges.

Ryan said that at first J.Lo. found it very difficult to say no to the auditioning contestant wannabees, but after the shows producer Simon Shindlebocker told her that if she did not start rejecting some of the auditioners he would have to let her go and she would forfeit her $15 million dollar salary she quickly found a way to say "no."

Lopez said that she went home and stood in front of a full length mirror and for two solid hours did nothing but say the word "no" over and over and over.

She laughed and said that she got so good at it that now she could even look Lady Gaga, Christina Aguilera, or Ke$ha in the face and say "no."

Meanwhile "Lips" Tyler has been asked by the shows director Simon Witleywine to please stop flirting with every girl who walks into the audition room wearing short shorts, a micro miniskirt, a tiny tight halter top, or who has the words, "Steven, the answer is 'Yes!'" written on the front of her T-shirt.

Tyler, who is 61, is old enough to be the grandfather of most of the AI contestants.

Ryan was asked about a certain girl who auditioned from Missouri City, Texas named Courtney Penry.

Penry, who looks a lot like a young Leah Remini of the sit-com King of Queens, stated that one day she and Ryan will become husband and wife.

Seacrest giggled and said that he made it very clear to Miss Penry that his heart, mind, and soul, as well as all of his body parts belong to Julianne Hough and only Julianne Hough.

Ryan shook his head and recalled that Courtney asked him if Julianne could stick out her tongue and touch her ear lobes like she could. He replied that she could not.

She then asked him if Hough could sit on a bed and put both of her feet behind her head. Ryan raised his eyebrows and answered that the idea of Julianne doing that had never come up.

Courtney then asked him if his lovely little Julie would be willing to bake a pie made out of mud and eat it all like she would be willing to do in order to prove her love for him.

Seacrest told her that there is no way that he will ever marry her. He then decided to try and discourage her before things really got out of hand.

He told her that he has a horrible temper and that sometimes he gets so mad that he locks Julianne up in his bedroom closet for hours on end.

Courtney said that it would not bother her because she has very strong teeth and she knows that she could easily eat through the wood and sheetrock in order to get out if she had to.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Ryan Seacrest has asked his producer that he wants two personal bodyguards with him at all times during the telecasting of the show, at least until Penry gets eliminated and returns to her home in Missouri City.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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