Written by wadenelson
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Hollywood, Guns

Saturday, 27 August 2005

Hollywood -- Admitting he just couldn't do it on his own, a tearful Axl Rose broke down today, and called on former GNR bandmates Slash (Saul Hudson) and Duff McKagen to help him complete his long awaited album, "Chinese Democracy." "After nine years and more than $13M worth of studio time, more democracy has come to mainland China than to GunsNRoses fans," commented record executive David Geffen.

"Brian Wilson took nearly a decade to complete Pet Sounds, but the all-time record is still held by Steely Dan" said Sanctuary Records President Johnny Mitchell. Radio went from FM to CD to XM to MP3 in the time it took Becker and Fagin to complete their last album." At Sanctuary we were willing to give Axl enough rope to hang himself, but once he started turning blue, we cut him down and took him to rehab. It turned out to be a good decision."

Now working his 9th step, Rose confessed "All my life it's been about me, me, me." Rose claims he is going to make amends to every fan, every promoter, and every former bandmate he's ever insulted, thrown furniture at, or broken a contract with; except when to do so would injure them or others" Claims Rose, "I've turned my life over to a higher power. For me, that's Led Zeppelin. I realized if I want to take the Stairway to Heaven instead of the escalator to "aachh, eeee, double-hockeysticks" when I die I needed to start making amends."

The drunk and stoned Rose challenged Kurt Cobain to a fight during the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards. Cobain reportedly sent Rose to the mat with a single left jab, but felt so guilty he later commited suicide. Speaking perhaps of Cobain, Rose said, "There's one guy I won't be able to make amends to, at least not in this lifetime. I just hope that he's somehow able to forgive me." As for the riots Rose caused, "A public apology is about the best I can do."

Rose admits, "I may be able to screech like a howler monkey, but without these great guys backing me up, it's more like Water Pistols and Carnations. After the last GNR tour fell apart, Rose was forced by finances to become "the voice of a DJ in a stupid video game." It humbled me, said Rose. "I know I can do better than that."

Embroiled in numerous lawsuits against former bandmates, Geffen Records, and others, Rose publicy announced his intention to settle everything amicably. "That means without lawyers. Having it all doesn't mean a thing if you don't have friends to share it with. The same applies to groupies, drugs, even fame."

Acknowledging the success of Velvet Revolver, the band formed by former GNR bandmates Slash and Duff, Rose commented, "I want to tour again. I want to screech in stadiums filled with thousands of screaming Guns and Roses fans. But mostly, I want to become a better human being than the sack of s__t I was before.

Make wadenelson's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 3?

6 5 8 3

Go to top