Written by Brett Taylor
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Wednesday, 2 February 2011

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Ke$ha

According to music industry sources, pop singer Ke$ha is teaming up with Satan to produce what insiders predict will be the most annoying pop single in history.

The song is said to be so insidious and that most people who've heard it have already blown their brains out. According to various sources, the song is part of Satan's insidious plan to cause despair and nausea in modern society.

Says music critic David Jeffries, "The song is guaranteed to annoy anyone over thirty. It's the kind of thing what will pit generations against each other, perhaps leading to chaos and violence. The bitterness between young and old, between those with taste and those without, will linger for decades, if indeed humanity can survive this song. It's pretty catchy though. Once you get past Ke$ha's annoying voice, the melody is surprisingly good."

For those who don't know, Ke$ha is the popular dance singer who came from nowhere to dominate the dance floor with danceable yet horrible songs like "Tik Tok," "Your Love is My Drug," and "We R Who We R." And yes, she really does spell her name with a dollar sign. Satan, on the other hand, has been around much longer, but his work is often overlooked since he usually works behind the scenes. His career is often difficult to examine because he goes by so many aliases: Father of Lies, Lord of This World, Old Nick, Old Scratch, The Goat of Mendes, The Very Devil Himself.

The new song is called "So Retarded," and it begins with the catchy line "We wouldn't never get this party started/'Cause that would be so like retarded." The singer raps the line several times, each time dragging out the word "retarded" in a whiny annoying drawl. "You've never heard rapping like this," reveals music executive Larry Jackson. "She sounds like a snotty little girl who's just discovered a maggot on her lettuce. The effect is truly hellish.

"If you've heard Ke$ha's "We R Who We R" you're undoubtedly familiar with the annoying stuttering effect used when Ke$ha sings the lyric "DJ Turn it Up," which is followed by the words "Dup Dup Dup" being repeated approximately a thousand times. The effect is produced by a high tech machine called a Porky Piggifier. In fact, most of Ke$ha's vocals are created or at least heavily augmented by some sort of expensive audio device. You should hear her vocals before they're electronically processed. I've worked in an animal shelter before, and it sounds better than this. I would say her caterwaulings and screeching are like a pack of cats in heat, but her pitch isn't that good. Another thing people don't know about Ke$has is her age. She's very good at acting like a spoiled, coked out eighteen year old, but it's an act. She's actually fifty-three years old. With all that makeup you just can't tell."

Satan actually has a long career in the music business. He discovered Rick Astley in 1984, guided the careers of Celine Dion, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Pat Boone, and Michael Bolton. He co-wrote or co-produced many hits over the use, including "Disco Duck" and "My Humps." In fact, Satan has been so prolific through the years that he often gets the credit or the blame for songs he nothing to do with.

The Devil himself explains, "For years people accused me of writing the song 'MacArthur Park.' I had nothing to do with that. That song was entirely due to the influence of one Mr. L.S.D."

Satan's musical fortunes took a hit during the anti-disco backlash of the late seventies.

"Yeah, it's true. People blamed the Bee Gees on me. Actually, they weren't that bad. They had some pretty good melodies. True Satanic Disco is much worse. I was indeed responsible for ABBA, and boy, did I catch some flack over that. Then, years later, a nostalgia craze comes on and suddenly people admit they really like ABBA after all. But does Satan get the credit for that? Nope.

"I actually had a pretty diverse musical career throughout the seventies. I played harmonica on literally hundreds of country songs. Then there was disco polka, but that never caught on for some reason. I was responsible for Lawrence Welk's career, too. We worked together until practically the eighties.

"Okay, I've done some crap over the years. But, look, how many great songs did Jesus ever come up with? Most gospel is pretty lame. At least you can get drunk to polka. The Messiah Chorus, that got old and boring real fast. And does anybody remember the song 'Dear Mr. Jesus'? Didn't think so."

Rumors persist that Ke$ha sucked Satan's cock to get where she is today, but the singer denies the charge. "I'm from Tennessee and stuff," she says. "We don't suck Satan's cock down there."

In any case, Satan promises the song will be unforgettable. He left this interview with this statement:"When you listen to one of Ke$ha's songs, it feels like it lasts for all eternity. Well, this time it really does!" With that mysterious statement, the Prince of Darkness laughed loudly and vanished in a puff of smoke.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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