Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for Cher Lloyd 'Mobbed' At Airport: Dial-A-Crowd Get Out Of Hand
OK, there weren't this many people there.

Cher Lloyd, the loathsome stick insect from ITV's The X-Factor and Cheryl Cole-Tweedy's clone, was mobbed at Heathrow airport yesterday, when 'fans' went wild.

The 'singer' had been in L.A for a few weeks, shopping, and pretending to be important, liked and talented. But on her return to the UK, her management team thought it wise to create a little furore, and hired a crowd of 'fans' to turn up at the airport and pose for photographers. Giving the impression that she is popular.

Unfortunately, due to budget cuts at SyCo entertainment, Simon Cowell's youth mind control centre, the person who usually books crowds for this sort of public event was made redundant two weeks ago.

This left Tracy, who usually makes the tea, in charge of booking a suitable crowd for Lloyds arrival.

"From what we can tell," said Larry Buttnugget, respected entertainment commentator "the SyCo employee just went on-line and booked the first crowd of people she found. Unfortunately she picked a crowd from 'The Beatles-esque' response section. A notorious bunch of characters, they are!"

"They always cause a rumpus at every event! Their M.O is to squeal loudly whilst clutching at the 'star', giving the celebrity a feeling of importance and power over normal man! A few will faint, and there's always lots of crying and shouts of 'I love you!' They are intended for use in situations where a star is at the peak of their career. Real A-listers, top flight musicians and actors, they should never have been deployed on a mere game-show runner-up."

Lloyd was said to be severely shaken by the experience, as she was bundled in to an awaiting car by security staff at the airport.

An unrepentant Jane Pendergast, a Dial-A-Crowd veteran performer, told us "I thought it went well, my friend Daisy did a fantastic swoon manoeuvre, real hand to the forehead, semi-faint. Classic. And my friend Derek managed to grab a piece of her jacket. I did think when the booking came through that it was odd to book a level 1 celebrity response unit for what is effectively a level 7 or 8 celebrity, at best! But Cowell is famed for his arrogance, so we just took it as a booking and did our jobs!"

No one was hurt during the incident.

Not even Cher Lloyd's 'career', unfortunately.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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