Written by Lynn L'Engle
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Topics: Death, Madonna

Thursday, 25 August 2005

image for Madonna's Done It All and Wants to Try Death
"Near-Dead" Madonna?

Pop idol, rock star, dancer, fashion maven, sex goddess, alternative lifestyle queen, movie actress, fitness enthusiast, mom, spiritual seeker, and equestrienne, Madonna has been through every phase. Now that she's bored again, Madonna wants to try a new type of lifestyle change - death.

Madonna's publicist said yesterday she had invested in InTrance Productions, a start-up video game software company based in San Jose. InTrance specializes in RPGs with zombies, ghosts, and "unfinished" spirits. Its most popular game now is "Afterward," about a group of people that die and are assigned by a superior entity to track down the spirits of people in transit to heaven or hell, commandeer them, and force them into an interdimensional treasure hunt. Madonna' s publicist said was merely "diversifying her portfolio," which has previously been in the movie, fashion, music, and red lipstick businesses.

InTrance is owned by one of Madonna's spiritual directors, Hmn. (This abbreviation stands for "Humminna," a term of extreme respect in Xa faith.) Daouri Klebegdelon, who named himself the leader of the neo-spiritual movement called "Xa." Sources close to the ultimate lifestyle hopper say she loaned him 16 million for a project last year.

This past month, Madonna spoke with Joan and Melissa about her latest fad. When asked to describe her religion, she said, "Xa is. You cannot understand unless you study under Hmn. Klebegdon. All can tell you is, it is."

A large portion of profit money from the sale of the RPG "Afterward" goes to fund Klebegdelon's latest pet project, which involves inducing a near-death experience to get one's soul further along the path of enlightenment and self-knowledge. This is according to an undercover reporter who found out by giving a pack of cigs to an employee at a bar next door to InTrance headquarters. The reporter confirmed this information with two street people who live in InTrance air ducts and only come out at the full moon.

Klebegdelon uses a cocktail of powerful sedatives to induce a near-death experience. The cost is 3 million in small bills and no questions asked. Nearby Memorial Hospital could not confirm that people have not died as a result of Klebegdelon's experiments, but the two duct people have counted forty-nine body bags so far this month being hauled to incineration. They conceded that the bags could just as easily been full of beer and pizza.

Madonna would not confirm or deny seeking the near-death experience when she spoke with Joan and Melissa. "It's nobody's business what I do. How would they like me pouring over magazines with all their most intimate thoughts and moments in them? My spirituality is very private."

"But, Madonna, you've always told the world everything that you're thinking and doing," said Joan. "You've made an institution out of voyeurism. Now you expect everyone to turn their heads?"

"My true fans will understand," she said. "We are connected in Xa. All will be known. All is all. All is Xa. Xa is."

Melissa had to excuse herself for uncontrollable snorting. Joan cut the interview short due to a freak facial spasm that caused her to double over and honk loudly.

Hmn.Klebegdelon sent the UP an indecipherable e-mail, but its graphics were phenomenal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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