Written by Mark Lowton
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Monday, 22 September 2003

image for Despair - The ingenious new game from Big Brother's Producers
The Show's Proposed Barker

The producers of Big Brother have announced a new game "Despair" which puts a fresh slant on the reality-television genre. A group of people, selected for their contrasting interests, beliefs and personalities, are placed on a lawless island in the vicinity of Cuba.

The island is completely cut off from the rest of the world; all cameras are secretly installed and remotely operated. The participants are drugged prior to arriving on the island and dumped during an afternoon. The game commences as the island's inhabitants awake from their drug induced stupor.

Viewers will watch avidly as the group sub-divides into factions who must fight over the island's limited resources. The island will be rich in everything necessary to build an entire civilisation from scratch, but not enough to share.

Six months into the series, viewers will be able to vote bi-monthly for the person they want evicted from the show.

The fate of the evictee however, unlike in current contemporary reality TV shows, won't involve them being interviewed in a TV studio about their ordeal that will make them another "throw-away celebrity" overnight. Instead the fate of the evictee will be decided by the audience. They will be given the three following choices:

  • Implicate the evictee in a myriad of, as of yet, unsolved crimes
  • Give the evictee a rubber-dinghy and paddle and point them in the right direction
  • Bankrupt the evictee and throw them back to society

When an equal number of votes are cast for either or all of the above choices, the evictee's fate will be a combination of the selection.

In the meantime, the participants are expected to fight and squabble, akin with current shows. However, as the island is lawless, their actions are not accountable for and they are free to vent their anger, upset and aggression in whatever way they wish.

The idea is yet to gain any financial backing, but it is believed it will spawn many more similar shows. If the idea is very successful, it is believed that all cheap magazines which thrive off the accounts of tales of woe from throw-away celebs will go bankrupt within a year.

The winner of the show gets to keep the Island.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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