Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 28 January 2011

image for It Appears That American Idol's Randy "The Dawg" Jackson Has Decided To Fill Simon "The Viceroy of Venom" Cowell's Shoes
Randy Jackson at the age of 19, working as a security guard at a WalMart in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

NASHVILLE - The producers of American Idol have decided to lower the requirement age for AI contestants down to 15. And they have done this in anticipation of Simon Cowell's brand new soon to hit the airwaves show X-Factor.

Cowell's American version X-Factor is a direct spin-off of the highly successful original English show X-Factor.

Reports coming out of Hollywood are that American Idol producer Simon Shindlebocker, a native of Manchester, England, has reportedly pulled out all of the stops in a concerted effort to try and ward off the brand new kid-on-the-block X-Factor.

In fact The West Hollywood Flaming Gazette even reported that when Shindlebocker first heard about Simon Cowell producing the U.S. version of X-Factor, that he was so concerned about the competition that he actually wanted to lower the AI age requirement all the way down to six.

But upon conferring with Assistant Producer Kyle Boot and the shows director Simon Witleywine, who mentioned that the move would be taken by the entertainment media as an 'act of sheer desperation' ploy he decided to forego his new idea for the meantime.

So far auditions for this years American Idol have been held in Jersey City, New Orleans, Milwaukee, and Nashville.

The new judges Jennifer "Tush" Lopez, aka J.Lo and Aerosmith's Steven "Lips" Tyler have pretty much settled into their new positions as judges.

J.Lo has finally learned the art of how to say "no" in a nice way and Tyler has learned the art of being tactful by saying that the 'rejected' contestant has a voice but it just isn't suited for American Idol.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: So basically what "Lips" Tyler is saying is, "Dude, Dudette, you're absolutely horrible, but as you leave don't leave angry, bitter, or extremely devastated.]

And judging by the looks of things Randy Jackson, or "The Black Dawg" as he is called appears to have taken on the mean-spirited, critically sarcastic role that Simon Cowell was noted for.

Jackson told one contestant, a 27-year-old unemployed maid from Muskrat Muffin, Tennessee, named Mimosa Kenzie Lickheimer to forget about singing altogether and concentrate on doing something that she would probably be good at and that was having kids.

He told another girl, Hoxie Jo Dustgarden, 25, of Watermelon Seed, Alabama, that her voice was one of the worst highest shrilled voices that he had ever heard. He said that she had even managed to hit about 43 bad notes that weren't even in the damn song.

Hoxie Jo started crying and so Randy responded by saying, "Hey girl don't cry. Look at the bright side. At least now you know that you can sit out in your backyard, belt out a song, and scare away the damn pesky bugs."

After "The Black Dawg" had finished listening to 19-year-old Norbert "Yo Bro" Ticklebush sing Marvin Gaye's "Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay" he remarked that he needed to get his butt outta there and go sit somewhere and figure out what in the world possessed him to even remotely think that he could sing.

Lopez said that Randy was mean and Tyler told him that he had just taken over Simon Cowell's nickname "The Sultan of Sarcasm."

But the put down of the night came when Jackson heard 6 foot 10 inch tall, 15-year-old Ainsworth "Dipstick" Gushmeister, from Rotten Egg Creek, Tennessee sing the oldies song "I'm Henry The VIII I Am" by Herman's Hermits.

Jackson stopped him half way into the song and told him that he was so awfully bad that he could legally have him arrested for disturbing he peace.

Needless to say Ainsworth was given three no's from the judges. And as young Ainsworth was walking out of the judges audition room, Jackson yelled out "Hey dude, I hope you can play freakin basketball!"

So this years edition of American Idol appears to have found the man who will be taking Simon "The Prince of Put Downs" Cowell's place.

Louisiana stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree who knows "The Black Dawg" personally told Tittle Tattle Tonight that home state boy Randy is even beginning to take on the look of Simon Cowell, except for the fact that Simon always wears dark T-Shirts, he talks with a British accent, and he isn't an overweight black man.

In other news. Sarah Palin told CNN that contrary to rampant rumors she has not locked herself up in her Wasilla bathroom because of some way out-of-line remarks she has recently made. Palin informed CNN that she occasionally saunters into the kitchen to make her older kids some caribou sandwiches and some moose hoof soup and to check in on her youngest child Trigg.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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