Written by Jeff Brone
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Topics: Death, Beatles

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Mean Mr. Mustard, made famous in the Beatles song of the same name, died yesterday at the age of 96 of complications of pneumonia. Mustard has been sleeping in the park lately for the past 50 years and that may have contributed to his illness, sources say.

In a recent interview Mustard, his face heavily scarred from shaving in the dark, complained bitterly about the bad reputation he got from the Beatles song about him.

He complained "So I tried to save paper! Now I'd be called a conservationist, then I was a mean old man. It wasn't fair." He also added "Do any of my kids come visit me? Look at this hole in the road, there's room for all of them. Young punks."

Mustard did become nostalgic about the time he was taken out to look at the queen. He admitted he didn't get out much, and that was a real treat, but added that "they even criticized me then too. I never shouted out anything obscene. It was hard enough to talk as it was -- And that's another thing, so what if I did keep a ten bob note up my nose. Wouldn't you?" When advised that most people actually keep their money in their wallets, he replied "Oh, isn't that grand! Young punks."

Mustard's funeral was attended by, among others, his sister Pam, Rocky Raccoon, Dear Prudence and Bono.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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