Written by Erskin Quint
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Wednesday, 26 January 2011

image for Robert Pattinson Is Scared By Kristen Stewart's Transformation
Kristen Was Putting On Her Quilted Bedjacket and Robert was Smoking a Capstan Full Strength and Reading the Sporting Pink

Things are getting fangtastically frightening in the Twilight world, writes Netta Morphosis, Celebrity Flux Correspondent.

Yes, the Twi-niverse is witnessing some cosmic creepiness going on right now, what with Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, becoming a Newborn Vampyre in the final instalment of the Twilight franchise, currently being filmed in Littlehampton, West Sussex, England, Great Britain, UK, Europe.

Kristen's co-star Gussie Greaser, who plays Robert Pattinson character Edward Cullen's grandmother, Grammy Cullen, told a source close to neo-Gothic recycling schemes yesterday that she was really scared on set by Kristen's metamorphosis from human to vampyre.

"Things are like really cool right now with the Cullen household", Greaser said. "There's been some interesting transformations happening. Kristen scared me a little bit, I can tell you.

"I thought for a second, like, 'this might not end well, she's looking pretty pissed', and she was transforming. It was great.

"She's looking pretty pissed. It was great. Kristen scared me, 'cos when a vampyre is a newborn, they are more scary.

"She's looking pretty pissed right now. It was great. Kristen scared me."

And Robert Pattinson was overheard to say recently by a source close to Kristen Stewart's Victorian face whitewash that "she looks fantastic, so statuesque. Those contact lenses are cool. She's so statuesque now, whereas before she was just wooden. Newborns are so statuesque, whereas human girls are like just wooden when played by Kristen. She's looking really pissed right now. It was great."

But something wicked is this way coming, for another and more remarkable Kristen Stewart transformation has really scared Robert, and shaken the deathless duo of ravishing revenants to the very core of their bloodlusting being.

While Kristen was looking pretty pissed and scaring Gussie Greaser on the Breaking Dawn film set, she was undergoing another rebirth off set.

A source close to Littlehampton's True Blue pub told me yesterday about this shape-shifting scenario.

"Robert and Kristen normally like to relax off-set, and enjoy a well-earned rest from pretending to be vampyres, at their bohemian apartment near Much Wenlock, Shropshire. But they can't always get there, if they're filming a long way off. Littlehampton is way across England from Shropshire. So Kristen didn't want to travel all the way back. Especially on Robert's new 1819 bicycle which has no suspension worth talking about. That can play havoc with a sensitive girl-vampyre heavily into manufactured constipation and constipation chic and avoiding fresh air.

"So they've been just hanging in downtown Littlehampton, where they got talking to a guy at the 9 hole pitch and putt at Norfolk Gardens. They had a meal together at the Putting Green Cafe. They enjoyed real British fare, like whelk sandwiches with worcestershire sauce, kippers with yorkshire pudding, cups of Earl Grey tea with lemon, and fish with potato chips in vinegar and brown paper with spotted dick roll and marmalade dessert to go. Kristen loved it, all those greasy spoons and waitresses with beehive hairdos and the Pearly King and Queen who played cockney Andrew Lloyd Webber songs on their bagpipes.

"And this guy is an actor at the Littlehampton Windmill Entertainment Centre, and he tells Kristen all about the local pantomime tradition while Robert is outside smoking woodbines with the broad in the beehive.

"Next thing you know, Kristen is shocking Robert, while she is scraping off the Georgian lead facepaint and putting on her quilted bedjacket, and he is puffing on a Capstan Full Strength and reading the Sporting Pink, in the chintzy bedroom in Marine View B & B on Stoker Terrace. She is telling him what is on her mind.

"And what is on her mind, she says, is to play the principal boy in the Littlehampton Vagabonds' version of Dick Whittington and His Cat. This, says Kristen, getting into bed with her People's Friend magazine, is always her dream, ever since she used to stay with her Uncle Maury, who was a thespian and fruitcake in the house he rented in Portland, Oregon where he was staying when she used to visit. He kept a parrot too, and a stuffed narwhal in a glass case and a silhouette of Florence Nightingale that he used to sing "Come Into The Garden, Maud", which is by Lord Herb Albert Tennyson, to.

"Well, Robert was shocked. He still is. This has, like, freaked him. He just cannot come to terms with this. It bothers him in a lot of ways. What chiefly bothers Robert is the idea of Kristen moving about and getting laughs, which he is unable to take on board even a little.

"It seems that he is stuck on a kind of shadow concept of Kristen where she lives in the twilight, is statuesque, and does not move or do anything of what you might call moving about stuff. This is a threat to Robert. It's hard to see him snapping out of this. It is a concern."

And there we must leave this fascinating world behind, for I am due back on planet Earth, and we have run out of tripe.

WESTMINSTER UPDATE - NARWHAL TO REPLACE GEORGE OSBORNE: Government sources are refusing to confirm reports emanating from Westminster to the effect that Chancellor George Osborne is to be replaced by Naughty Nanook The Performing Narwhal. Said a source: "We cannot see this being true. It would be too much of a wrench. The narwhal is an intelligent and sharp-witted creature with a remarkable helical tusk. Indeed, this "Nanook" has twin tusks, which is an exotic trait. We would expect that George Osborne would be more likely to be replaced by a flabbier, more fish-belly white denizen of the deep, such as a cod or an elderly haddock. These latter would pose less of a threat to the fragile and strident charisma of David Cameron."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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