Barney & Friends and Wizards of Waverley Place star Selena Gomez is a self-confessed "huge animal lover", writes Dick Palmer-Humbert, Desperation Correspondent.
So it is perhaps ironic that she is very close, if not actually intimate, with "Canada's Got Floor-Mop Hairstyles" runner-up Justin Bieber, the Stratford, Ontario, Chinese Lantern Factory operative whose album, "The Boy Stood On The Burning Deck And Other Boyish Songs", is very popular among young girlish boys and young boyish girls who enjoy popular young boyish jolly girl songs suited to very young girly boyish song-loving young boyish girly boys and girlish boy girls who like girly boyish boyish-song-loving boyish girl boys. Especially with softly-flopping foppish hairdos like a mop. The boys. They have the mop-heads. Not the girls, though there are some, young, boyish girly girls who, girlish, do yet seem rather girl-boyish, and still love a floppy boy.
Or is the irony to be discerned in the very claim itself of Selena loving "huge animals" when she, Selena Gomez, - for it is she - is but a little girly girlish girl of a slip of a kiddy thingette of a thing? If so, then perhaps they are suitably girly boyish a pairsome, her and he.
He, who slips the wire frame things into Chinese Lanterns by day (or what passes for daylight in Stratford, Ontario, which is in Canada) and loves to sing songs like "Two Little Boys", "The Boy From Ipanema", or "See What The Boys In The Back Room Will Have" by evensong-time, all in the fresh-faced, talcum-tousled, style of a young Val Doonican, or Lena Zavaroni, though without their tragic darkness underlying or overshading all the superficially-happy songs. More like the Milky Bar Kid. Creamy and nice.
But extraordinarily familiar the two stars appear to be, having been seen together many times; enough times, indeed, for their extraordinary familiarity to be an extraordinarily familiar sight and for the claims of their extraordinary familiarity to be getting to be very extraordinarily familiar claims indeed.
There has also been uproar on Twitter, where Twits and Twats - as the Twittering Twats who Twitter and Twat about on Twitter are popularly known in this story - have been Twittering Twattish Twaddle, to the effect that the rumours about Selena and Justin are pregnant.
These pregnant rumours are heavily pregnant with more of what we can only call irony. They are stuffed with it. Up the duff with it. Up the pudding club with this bun in the oven.
How a girly boy girl and a boyish girl boy might actually produce a story pregnant enough to give birth to genuine humorous interest and irony is ironic as ironic can be.
Why Twittering Twattish Twots' Twattle could fertilise anything resembling intelligent imagination is irony incarnate.
Surely sheer naked nerve is the thrust of it.
Nude naked nonsense has knocked it all up.
And at its true heart lies a nude naked nothingness, a monstrous maelstrom of mawkish mollycoddling manure sucking insipid suckers deeply in.
Perhaps, yes, this is it. Manure is the word. Where there's muck there's money.
But for those who have eyes, it's the naked nude nothing that prevails.
NARWHAL FOR MAYOR OF LONDON: A performing narwhal is set to replace Mayor of London Boris Johnson, it was claimed yesterday. An aquatic circus spokesman said: "Nanook The Naughty Narwhal has the common touch, is someone all the family loves and has a huge repertoire of tricks, including lots of naughty pranks. In the circus, he always comes after Eddie The Emperor Penguin and Wally The Walrus. So he's used to replacing a shambling buffoon and a blundering behemoth."