Written by Paris Silton
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Topics: DUI, arrest, fabio

Thursday, 20 January 2011

image for He's Not Under the Influence, Officer! He's Just Being Fabio!
Fabio on the set of Survivor: Nicaragua

SANTA MONICA, CA - Jud "Fabio" Birza, the winner of Survivor Season 21 in Nicaragua, was arrested Wednesday afternoon on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance.

Mr. Birza took home the $1,000,000 prize last December on CBS's popular reality show, much to the surprise of viewers, who largely considered him an empty-headed, rattle-brained, mouth-breathing bonehead.

Santa Monica law enforcement sources revealed that police officers first noticed "Fabio" at about 12 noon, riding a skateboard in the middle of the street, which is against the law. They detained and questioned Birza, who babbled incoherently, kept stopping mid-sentence without finishing his thoughts, smiled excessively and breathed deeply through his open mouth. The officers, who admitted later to never having watched Survivor - where Fabio did that all the time - determined that he might be under the influence. They arrested him and took him to the station, where he was booked and jailed.

Birza insisted that his behavior was all an act. "It's what I did on Survivor, man!" he said as the cell door closed on him. "You saw the show, didn't you? I acted stupid so no one would think I was a threat! That's how I won, dude!"

Testing revealed no evidence of controlled substances, and police concluded that his goofy demeanor was due to plain old stupidity, exacerbated by a lack of brain cells, an abundance of bone in his head and the effects of rattling of the brain attributed to his mother trying to smack some sense into him.

"We couldn't book him for being a empty-headed, rattle-brained, mouth-breathing bonehead, but we got him on an unrelated DUI warrant as well as a probation violation," said Sgt. Friday of the Santa Monica Police Department.

Fabio is currently being held on $37,000 bail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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