Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 20 January 2011

image for American Idol Premiers With New Judges Steven "Lips" Tyler and Jennifer "Tush" Lopez
The AI auditions were held at The Salvatore Goombalini Convention Hall which resembles The Royal Albert Hall in London.

JERSEY CITY, New Jersey - The 10th season of American Idol kicked off with two brand new judges, Aerosmith's lead singer Steven "Lips" Tyler and the triple threat singer, actress, dancer, Jennifer "Tush" Lopez, aka J. "Tush" Lo or simply J.Lo for short.

American Idol host and Julianne Hough's boyfriend Ryan Seacrest introduced the judges to the viewers by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen your new American Idol 'Dream Makers.'" which really sounds a whole lot better than the more appropriate American Idol "Ambition Crushers."

The first contestant to audition was Rachel Zevita, who said that she had auditioned each of the previous nine seasons and had been rejected by the 'damn' judges each time.

She sang a song that had been written by Francis Scott Key which was off key but the judges gave her a yellow ticket to Hollywood letting her go on through, apparently fearing that had they rejected her she could have ended up biting them.

Next we saw Ashley Sullivan, a girl who was so skinny that her Adam's apple looked like a grapefruit. She was dressed in boy clothes and acted like a boy, but when questioned about her gender she quickly produced a DNA report from the state of New Jersey.

The DNA report stated that she was born a girl. In a small notation at the bottom that judge Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson caught it stated that: Ashley Sullivan has expressed a desire to be a boy but as of 10/10/10 she is still a real girl.

At first all three judges rejected her but then she started crying, tears started running down her boy clothes and onto the floor, and she ended up slipping in her own tears, and then she said that she thought that she may have broken her crotch bone.

Randy being the company man that he is quickly told her that if she agreed to sign an injury waver that they would all put her through to Hollywood. Sullivan got up faster than Wynonna Judd going through a plate of cornbread and signed.

Next up was Victoria Huggins, who said she was 16 3/4-years-old. She hailed from North Carolina and had what "Dawg" and "Lips" said was the strongest Southern accent that either had ever heard.

And the way Huggins was dressed she looked like she could be the daughter of Ma and Pa Kettle. She wore a blue gingham dress, with five petticoats ala 1960, and a plastic headband and shiny pink poodle shoes also ala 1960.

The poor thing looked like a way out in the backwoods version of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Vicky sang the song "Midnight Train To Georgia" and "Dawg" remarked that it was the fastest moving train that he had ever seen. Tyler said that he actually thought that the Southern Flyer was going to completely derail on a few of those super sonic notes.

J.Lo who found it extremely hard to say no gave "The Dixie Pixie" a "yes."

A total of 51 contestants were sent through to Hollywood. one that didn't was Silas "Yippee Ki Yay" Blumenthal, who is probably one of the most unusual contestants in the shows ten year history.

Silas, who works at Gino The Glocks Barbecue Bar & Grill in Hackensack sang an old country song by an old country band Roscoe "Tenderfoot" Pitchfork & The Out Yonder Bunk House Happy Cowpokes.

The name of the song was "I Done Went And Poked Her In Da Barn When I Figured Dat No One Was A-Lookin But I Soon Lernt Dat Her Grandpappy Was A Sittin And A Whittlin' Just Da Other Side Of Da Damn Haystack So I Vamoosed Pronto Just As Fast As My Tony Lama Boots Would Carry This Crazy Old Sumbitch."

What made "Yippee Ki Yay's" appearance so unusual was the fact that he sang while sitting on a real live donkey. When J.Lo asked what the donkey's name was he replied, "Your Ass."

Instantly Jackson stood up and hollered out at "Old Yippee Ki Yay" to get his disrespectful ass and his "Ass" and mosey the hell on outta Dodge.

And another contestant who did not make it through was a Japanese singer named Yogipop, who said he liked to be called Kanyeson.

Yogi who had one of the most sarcastic, arrogant, egomaniacal attitudes of the over 1 million contestants who have ever tried out for American Idol stated that he was a fan of Michael Jackson.

When "Lips" asked him which MJ song he was going to sing, Yogi made a face and said that he was going to sing a Miley Cyrus song.

When Yogipop finished "Dawg," "Tush," and "Lips" looked at each other without saying a word. finally after about 17 seconds of silence Tyler remarked, "Damnit Yogi Popsicle!...Dude!...What in the friggin hell was that? I swear I did not understand one damn effen word."

J.Lo started laughing and Yogipop hollered out to her. "Hey sofabutt you know raugh (laugh) at the amazing Yogipop you know all of you rike (like) me a rot (lot) so you ret (let) me have my yerrow (yellow) ticket to Horrywood (Hollywood).

When Yogi started moving towards the judges table, three big burly security guards grabbed him by his regs (legs) and hauled him out of the audition room and off the property.

It was quite apparent that Yogipop had confused American Idol with Japanese Idol.

At the end of the day Ryan Seacrest shook his head and said that he was really looking forward to going down to the land of the tar balled bayous (New Orleans) for the next round of auditions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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