Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 13 January 2011

image for Tina Fey, Johnny Depp, and Robert Pattinson To Star In "Crosshairs - The Sarah Palin Story"
The Palin's actual snowmobile garage will be used in the movie. (Photo courtesy of Kate Gosselin).

HOLLYWOOD - Famed Italian director Luigi Luigiani has just announced that he will soon be directing Tina Fey and Johnny Depp in the production of Crosshairs - The Sarah Palin Story.

Luigiani, who has directed some of the biggest actresses in Hollywood including Kirstie Alley (409 pounds), Gabourey Sidibe (603 pounds), and Queen Latifah (401 pounds) said that he recently secured the movie rights to the definitive book about Sarah "Snowflake" Palin entitled Crosshairs, Bull's Eyes, And Helicopter Hunting.

The 302 page book, complete with 114 photos of different animals, birds, fish, and neighbor's pets which "Shotgun" Sarah has shot (as in with a high powered telescopic rifle and not with a Nikon Camera) was written by noted Alaskan writer London Lyle Vineheimer, 97, who interestingly enough lives next door to Sarah and Todd Palin in Wasilla, Alaska.

Vineheimer has remarked that he has been to the Palin home Casa Moscow on at least half a dozen occasions for moose barbecues, reindeer barbecues, caribou barbecues, and once for a neutered salmon and polar bear balls pizza party.

Luigiani says that Vineheimer will be portraying himself in the movie. Starring in the movie will be Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and Johnny Depp as her husband Todd. Robert Pattinson will star in the role of the Palin's oldest son Track.

Playing the part of Bristol "The Pistol" Palin will be Mary Kate Olsen and her sister Ashley Olsen will star as Bristol's younger sister Willow "The Pillow" Palin.

Of course the Olsen sisters will have to wear black wigs and gain about 40 pounds each in order to look like Bristol and Willow.

Starring in the role of the cute little nine-year-old Piper will be Madison de la Garza who portrays Eva Longoria's chubby little nine-year-old daughter Juanita on the adult prime time drama Desperate Housewives.

Little Madison has been told that she will have to lose about 50 pounds in order to be able to wear Piper's clothes, shoes, and underwear.

Maddie said that she can do it and that she'll just cut out her daily routine of eating six Hostess Twinkies, six Hostess Cupcakes, six enchiladas, six egg rolls, and three bowls of Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes.

The part of Senator John McCain will be played by Steve Martin who said that his hair is the same exact color as McCains. Martin grinned and said that all he'll have to do is to just trim a bunch of hair off the top and leave enough so that he can get that silly looking 'comb over' effect that Johnny McCain has.

The part of Oprah Winfrey will be played by Niecy Nash and the part of Winfrey's BFF (WINK-WINK) will be played by Whitney Houston if she can manage to get her freakin act together.

Luigiani said that he really wanted Kate Gosselin to portray herself but "King Kate" said that she has had enough of the Alaskan rain, cold, snow, ice, and caribou droppings scattered all over the effen place to last her the next 40 years.

So starring as Gosselin will be Halle Berry. At first Halle was kind of hesitant about playing Kate Gosselin seeing as how Kate is super white and Halle is...well, ah...kind of on the 'off white' side.

But Luigi Luigiani put her mind at rest when he told her that he had hired famed Beverly Hills hair stylist FuFi Fondue who not only is the best hair stylist in all of Hollywood, but who also has a cosmetics degree from London's prestigious Boy George Make Up and Cosmetics Academy.

Luigiani stressed that FuFi could literally take a horse-faced woman like Ann Coulter and within 45 minutes he would have her looking like Carrie Underwood.

The film will deal mostly with the day to day life that the Palin family goes through in their beloved and almost paid for Wasilla home Casa Moscow.

Luigiani will not promise that Sarah won't get carried away and shoot a moose, elk, caribou, or reindeer with her high-powered telescopic rifle but he did say that that he will make every effort possible to not to show the great big sick smile on her face when she blasts the poor creature.

He pointed out that he also will not show her high fiving her husband Todd, or even show her grabbing her crotch and yelling out, "Ya see America and especially you anti-Snowflake Palin Democrats, I got me a pair of nads right here and gosh darnit dat and perfectly calibrated crosshairs is what it takes, ya know golly gee whiz, ta shoot one of them big old gosh darn four legged man-eating monsters."

SIDENOTE: The film will have an "R" rating due to the extremely excessive vulgar language used by the actresses portraying Sarah Palin and her three daughters Bristol, Willow, and Piper.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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