Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 12 January 2011

image for Eva Longoria Gets All of Her Tattoo Reminders of Tony Parker Lasered Off - Even The One On Her (Blank)
A photo of Eva showing that the "Tony #9" tattoo is completely gone. (Photo courtesy of Abel Rodriguez).

LAS VEGAS - One of the stars of the TV prime time soap opera Desperate Housewives was in town visiting one of her four Beso Restaurants.

Beso which is Spanish for 'Kiss' has reportedly received the kiss of 'eatery death' as Longoria has filed for bankruptcy.

The restaurant which specializes in seafood from the Gulf of Mexico took a pretty good hit thanks to last years BP Louisiana Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill.

The head cook, at Eva's restaurant who requested to be nameless, stated that he got tired of having to serve Lobster Newburg with the lobster's eyes covered in black, yucky tar.

Sefton Desdemona, oops, sorry Sefty, went on to say that try as hard as he could he could never really manage to scrape all of the tar off of the damn oil-infested lobsters.

He confessed that getting the tar balls out of the oysters was one hell of a tall order (no pun intended). He half-grinned and said that trying to take tar off of jumbo shrimp is like trying to take a Sara Lee Apple Turn Over away from Kirstie Alley.

Desdemona said that the only seafood that was not saturated in friggin Louisiana tar balls was the tuna. He disclosed that the reason was because the tuna was flown in daily from Frockling Fiord, Norway.

When Eva Longoria was asked to comment on the situation she began to softly weep. She said that the past three months have not been very good for her. She said first she finds out that her effen husband Tony "The Baloney" Parker, who plays for the San Antonio Spurs was sending sexy text messages (sexting) to the wife of one of his ex-fellow teammates.

Then she learned that her show Desperate Housewives may be cancelled at the end of the current season. After that she found out that her prized Maltese, "Enchilada" which is valued at $32,000 was gang-banged by a deranged dalmatian that had escaped from a fire station located near her San Antonio home.

And now her Las Vegas restaurant is going down the drain. Eva sat in one of the restaurant's booths wearing a skirt that was so short you could actually see her Los Angeles Lakers panties and she revealed that the only thing that could happen to make things worse would be for her to discover cellulite on her thighs.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Abel mentioned to me that he knows Eva Longoria personally and that she definitely does not have any cellulite on her thighs or on any other part of her fantastically gorgeous looking body.]

Longoria stressed that she has managed to have all of the tattoos that she had gotten since her marriage to "Butt Brain" Parker laserly removed. She smiled and said that it included her wrist tattoo which showed the Roman numerals VII VII MMVII, which signified her wedding date July 7, 2007.

She was asked about the other tattoos. She said that she had also gotten rid of her "Nine" tattoo which she had on the back of her neck and which represented Tony "The Texting Twit" Parker's NBA basketball jersey number. Eva smiled and said that she was just happy that his number was not 27 ("Twenty-Seven").

Ms. Longoria was then asked about her most intimate tattoo of all which only Tony and two other individuals know about. She blushed and remarked that she plans on having it also removed but when she does she will go under anesthesia because since it is located on her (blank) she knows that it is going to hurt like a friggin mother effer.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Although Longoria never really revealed exactly where that intimate tattoo was actually located, I kinda had a feeling that I kinda knew. So I called up my good friend Abel and I asked him. And yeppers I was right. I really cannot reveal the location but I will say that the name of the place where the tattoo is located begins with an 'H-o' and ends with an 'o-h-a'.]

[WRITER'S NOTE: I would like to thank Eva Longoria for being such a good sport. I actually showed her the article draft before I submitted it for publication. I told her that I would gladly remove any part of it that she wanted me to. Eva smiled and said that she had no problem with the draft the way it looked. Living in San Antonio I am a fan of the San Antonio Spurs, but I have to say what thousands and thousands of guys are thinking but would never say...Tony...'vato' (dude) you are one dumb 'pendejo' (idiot).]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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